When you pass through the waters...

Well, although I wish there were fun times to report, there just aren't any going on here right now!  This cycle of chemo seems to have hit with a heavier force, and I'm honestly just struggling at the moment.  The weakness and fatigue are extreme again, and I've spent the past two days in bed (which I try to avoid, if at all possible).  Eating and drinking are so difficult, and both need to occur for my body to manage this regiment.  All around, I'm just feeling the weight of this disease and treatment.  

On these days, when Bryan is managing the chaos of our kiddos and home, it's difficult not to feel alone and quite useless.  I want to participate in life...it's all around me!  The boys had their opening parade for their baseball season this morning (they are on the same team this year, which is WONDERFUL!), and I just couldn't muster up the strength.  They, of course, were ecstatic (with or without me there!) and came home to share all of the details with me.  The kids have had lots of visitors and playdates this week, which has been tremendously helpful and fun for them.  But, I can't help but long for those days when I could do it without the help.  When I could teach them, shop for them, cook for them, discipline them, manage a home for them, and seek to do it with joy.  I'm still seeking joy, but it's really in just enduring each day right now.

It will pass, I know.  These days, filled with my body's responses to the chemo, will give way to relief from some of the symptoms.  Hopefully in the next couple of weeks, I will hit a stride again and be able to join in some of the dance of life around me.  Until then, I know that this is part of the suffering that God has ordained for me to endure at the moment.  Will I choose to rest in Him, or will I just get restless?  I desire so much to grow in my understanding of who He is and what He desires to teach me through this time.  If you are praying for me, please pray that I would be faithful to pursue joy in the midst of these darker days.  Pray that I would see and enjoy Christ in new ways and that I would not become discouraged or feel alone.  And finally, please pray that I would be humbled and surrendered to the call He has placed on my life, whatever that may look like in daily life right now.

I've been clinging to these verses lately and find such comfort in these words...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:2-3)

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) 

The Half Way Point

**This post is actually from last night (Monday, April 20) and is written by Jen's husband, Bryan.**

I must start by apologizing upfront that this post will not be written nearly as eloquently as Jen's previous updates. She has such a gift to write what is on her heart and put it into words.  However, Jen was desperate enough after the long day of chemo to ask me to write about how the day went.

Jen first met with her doctor for her pre-infusion appointment. During this evaluation, Jen brought up that she has been experiencing heart palpitations. We were worried that this might have to do with one of the chemo drugs she is receiving. Although we don't know the cause for sure, the doctor felt that this could have more to do with her low levels of potassium. He scheduled for Jen to have an EKG and will monitor the situation for now. Overall, he was still very positive about her progress. Once her labs came back, he gave her the green light to receive her the full regiment of chemo treatment today.

Since the infusion was much less eventful last time, as compared to her first, I think both Jen and I went into the infusion room a little less nervous this time around. It still seems to be a long process, but I enjoy the time I get to spend with her. I was very grateful today that everything went well, and that there have been no major hiccups in Jen being able to stay the course with her treatment plan. We know that over the next couple of days Jen will start to feel the symptoms of the chemo treatment, and head into the chemo fog, as we like to call it. Please pray that during this time Jen's heart palpitations subside and that she would be able to eat and stay well hydrated.

We continue to trust in God each day to provide what we need, as we walk this path He has laid before us. Thank you to all of those who have been willing to be the hands and feet of God's love to us, and have chosen to walk this journey with us.

Here are a few pictures from our "date" to the chemo room...

We are so grateful for all of  the help Jen's mom provides.  She is wonderful!

All of the meds make for a sleepy Jen.

You take the good, you take the bad...

What a crazy busy week we have had, filled with ups and downs (which sounds a lot like everyone's life, right?!).  As I mentioned in the last post, our kids went to camp this week with our Classical Conversations group.  Bryan left with the kids on Monday morning to help chaperone the trip, and that evening, he called to tell me that Landon was very sick.  The poor kid had actually fallen asleep on an outside wooden bench during one of the activities!  So my dad went to pick him up and bring him back to my parent's house, while Bryan stayed at camp with the older two.  Landon was on fire with fever when my dad got him home, and my parents immediately put him to bed.  The doctors and nurses have stressed that my immune system will be down during chemo and that I need to be very careful of germs and illnesses (they probably didn't consider that I live with 4 little germ factories!)  My heart ached that I was not able to cuddle and care for my sweet boy when he was so miserable :(.  I had planned to stay at my parent's house with Eli while everyone else was gone, but we headed home to let them care for Landon until he recovered.

Being fever free for much of Tuesday, we thought it was safe for me to come back over the next evening.  And oh, how my boy want to cuddle!!  He's always been our crazy, but completely lovable kiddo; and after a good bath, he wanted his mama!  Sure enough, within about 15 minutes of holding him on the couch, he was on fire again.  He said that his throat hurt as well, and he began to cry.  Before they left for camp, Landon was very concerned because I have cancer and no one would be home to take care of me.  He also knows that he needs to be careful not to get me sick (and he uses hand sanitizer religiously).  I asked him why he was crying, and he said he was so worried about what was going to happen.  He also said he just wanted to go home.  Throughout all of this, the kids have been wonderful about being shuffled about between family and friends' houses and having things be a bit unsettled.  But I could tell that this sweet boy just needed to feel some normalcy and to be reassured that everything was going to be okay.  I knew Bryan would be home with the other kids that night as well, so we loaded up Landon and Eli and went home.

It felt so good to have everyone back home and safe that night.  The kids had a fantastic time at camp, and I was so grateful that they were able to make all of those memories alongside their daddy.  I was, obviously, uneasy about having been exposed to Landon's illness.  However, I knew that there was nothing that I could do, and that God would care for me, even if I ended up getting sick.  Fortunately, I have stayed well up until now!  Both of my parents and Bryan...not so much :(.  Everyone seems to be either better or on the mend at this point, and I am praising God for his protection over me (thank you for your prayers!!)!

Who could ever resist snuggles with this cutie??!

On a wonderful note, we've had some GREAT times this week as well!  Our amazing friends have set up a schedule so that we have someone on call almost daily to help assist with our needs (AKA...someone to help manage the chaos :).  I cannot tell you the relief it's been to have people love on us in this way...whether it's doing laundry, cleaning our house, bringing us groceries, playing games with our kids, or any of the other countless ways they have served us...it's the body of Christ in action, and it's simply beautiful.  I truly hope this will forever change the way that I serve people who are suffering, and that I can be even half as thoughtful as people have been with us.  A friend came over this week and cleared out our entire fridge and freezer because I can hardly open it without being overwhelmed with nausea.  Others have been here to sit by me on the couch and encourage me.  And although I hate cancer, I love that it has provided me some of the sweetest conversations I've ever had with friends and family.

The chemo effects have also subsided this week, so I've felt so much better!  So after all of the sickness earlier in the week, we headed out quite a bit to enjoy the end of the week!  Our Classical Conversations group had an end of the year program on Thursday night, and I was so grateful to be able to attend.  This is a homeschool group that our family has been a part of for 3 years now, and we all love it!  Our children have the opportunity to be in a classroom one day a week doing lots of memory work, an art project/music lesson, a science experiment, and lunch/recess.  The friendships for both myself and my kids through this group have been priceless!  Up until my diagnosis in February, I tutored at our campus, and I adored my little group of 2nd/3rd graders!!  Our daughter Hailey has worked so hard this year (even, and especially after my diagnosis) and received the award of Memory Master, along with 27 other students!  And after the program, my precious class presented me with a patchwork "quilt" that they made with drawings, verses, etc. to encourage me.  (**Don't be confused...I'm wearing a wig in some of the pictures below :)  I'm going back and forth a bit, but tend to stick with the hats and scarves most of the time!)

Landon and his class (front and center with the plaid shirt)

A.J. and his class (bright yellow shirt)

Hailey and her class (pink shirt on end)

Our sweet girl receiving her Memory Master award!!

Here is the quilt my class created for me.  These kids are awesome!!  Three of them are missing from the picture, but what a great job they all did this year!

We had even more fun times over the weekend!  We actually went on a double date with our dear friends on Friday night, leaving 7 of our kiddos with a babysitter (which the kids LOVED).  The kids went to a birthday party on Saturday with neighbor friends, and I did laundry and paid some bills (fun times, right??).  That evening, we celebrated Bryan's Grandma's 92nd birthday (that woman is amazing!).  And after all of the fun, I crashed hard last night!  But it felt so worth it to be out living.  I told Bryan that I don't want to be unwise in spending myself and my energy on unnecessary things.  But I want God to spend me for Himself in whatever way He chooses. Tonight, I await the dawn of a new day...and another chemo treatment (#3).  There will be days ahead where I don't even walk outside, and there are difficult moments on those days.  The blessing is, that this weekend felt almost normal for our family!  I have the hope of those days to return, and I'm so grateful for Week #3 in my chemo cycle.

Our wonderful friends, the Munoz's...back from a fun night out!

Grandma Skoog is on the left, and Bryan's other grandma, Meme, is on the right (and Uncle Denny with the photobomb :).   Do either of these women look like they are in their 90's??  No way!!

If you are praying for our family, you can pray that tomorrow's chemo treatment goes well.  After treatment #2, I have so much less anxiety about the infusion.  In fact, I'm already contemplating what to send my mom out to get me for lunch :)  You can also pray for the days ahead...those first 10 days or so after chemo are rough, physically and emotionally.  Pray that my heart would stay encouraged through the storm.

If you could also pray for 3 people specifically at my church who are suffering.  One family friend was supposed to have major surgery this past week for pancreatic cancer, and when they went in to do the surgery, they found more cancer on his liver.  Therefore, they were unable to do the surgery, and his prognosis is not good.  Another woman just found out this week that she has inoperable pancreatic cancer and is in the hospital now with complications.  And finally, another couple in our church received the crushing news that their son (who is my age) almost certainly has ALS.  Our pastor's sermon today was on the mercy of God, and he illustrated it with the book of Jonah and God's mercy on the city of Ninevah.  He then challenged us to examine our belief in God's mercy in the midst of these people's suffering.  Is He still merciful?  Is He still good?  When you are diagnosed with cancer, do these attributes of God still hold true?  And my answer is most definitely, yes.  Is that difficult, at times, to remember...yes.  But He's so good at reminding me all of the time.  He reminds me through His Word, through the service of others on His behalf, through circumstances that can only be crafted by Him to show His mercy, His goodness, and His glory.  Pray that these three families will also feel the the great mercy and goodness of God through their unbearable heartache right now.  And we will update you all after tomorrow to let you know how everything goes as well.  

Life Goes On...

So, it's now almost 2 weeks post chemo treatment, and the days are getting better again!!  Those first 9-10 days after treatment are honestly just not fun.  And for a good 4-5 of those days, I'll be honest, it's just bad. There's the nausea (which is like a constant car sickness feeling) that never really goes away.  But for those first 9-10 days, it's overwhelming.  The fatigue wipes my body out in a way I've never experienced before.  The Neulasta shot that I get the day after chemo (which causes my body to make more white blood cells) gives me bone pain.  My appetite is almost non-existent, and just eating and drinking is one of my "chores" for the day (but I'm definitely drinking...no more dehydration, please :).  There are other issues too, all of which make me so grateful that I'm now almost 1/3 of the way through chemo!!

I share that because I know that so many people want to know how to pray for me.  And during those days when I feel so lousy, it's hard to even write an update.  The great news is that around that 9-10 day mark, my blood cell count begins to rebound, and I start to feel better.  And in comparison, it's SO much better.  The nausea is still always lurking in the background, and I wear out much more easily, but I almost feel back to normal Jen :).  I will have my 3rd treatment on April 20, so I still have a whole week to enjoy that gift!!

The other difficulty in those first couple of weeks post chemo is that life, unfortunately and fortunately, goes on.  Cancer doesn't change the fact that I have four little people here that depend on me to be their mama.  They understand that Mommy is sick and can't do everything right now, and they are so sweet and helpful (most of the time).  But arguments still occur, attitudes come bubbling over, and I'm convinced that my 2-year old has completely declared war on anyone who wants to challenge his "authority."  "Stop it, mama!" and "Eli in charge" are his new favorite phrases.  There are certainly times that Bryan and I feel like it's all unraveling at the seams.  And there are just those moments that I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I was sharing these struggles with someone a couple of weeks ago, and the person said something that has resonated with me so often since.  I talked about my frustrations and feeling so incapable to do anything about the chaos around me.  The person responded that although it may feel out of control, it's not.  And that control that I thought I had before was just an illusion.  You see, as a mom (who just happens to have a slightly, and when I say "slightly," I mean very Type-A personality).  I work so hard to keep things under control in our home.  And really, it's not just with my home and my kids, it's in everything.  I think we all like to think we are in control of what happens to us.  That if we can just organize a little better, micromanage our kids a little more, and do everything we "should" be doing, things will go well.  I'm learning very quickly that that just isn't the case, and honestly, I'm grateful.

I'm so relieved to know that what happens to my kids is not dependent on my "success" as their mom. My role right now as their mom looks a bit different.  They have other adults who are stepping in and loving them and caring for some of their needs.  Their routine is a bit shaky, and we aren't able to discipline for every little slip-up they make.  But they have a God who loves them deeply and has their future in His hands.  He is the one who is in control, not me.  That's humbling, yet exactly what I need to give me peace in the midst of the storm.  Instead of checking things off my to-do list each day, my role with them is to show them the love of Christ.  It's to endure this trial with joy, allowing them to see God work in the midst of suffering.  

So, I'm gearing up for a good week!!  You can pray for Bryan and the older 3 kids, as they leave tomorrow for a 2-day trip to Camp Kern with our Classical Conversations group.  The kids are SO excited for their first trip to camp, and I will be hanging back with Eli (who, by the way, has learned how to sing, "Jesus Loves Me," and the cuteness is ALMOST enough to balance his tyrant side right now!).  Thank you, so much, for continuing to lift our family up in prayer to the God who sees each and every need before we do.  We love you all so much!!

These sweet kiddos are so excited to go to Camp Kern in the morning!!

Easter Sunday

I just wanted to give a quick update and to post a few pictures from our Easter weekend.  Easter came quickly, and went almost as fast!!  I had the 2nd round of chemo on Monday (which went SO much better than the first!), so by Tuesday, the side effects began.  I think that the good thing about this round is that my body is more prepared for the effects.  For the first treatment, I went from feeling very healthy, to experiencing the shock of a very heavy dose of chemo for the first time. So the preparation of just knowing what is coming is definitely helpful.  Last time, the chemo seemed to begin making me feel bad within a day or so, and progressively got worse until about 8-10 days post-treatment (when my cell count was the lowest).  It was then that I started to climb back out of the fog until the 3rd week of my cycle, when I would start to feel better. Then, we repeat the cycle again.  It seems to be following that pattern this time as well, just without the complete shock to my system.  They also switched my anti-nausea medication to one that makes me less drowsy/foggy, which has been a definite improvement!

Things have been a bit of a zoo around here (which I intend to post about, but alas...the zoo is always calling :).  Typically this time of year, I would be planning little Easter crafts and treats, would shop for adorable Easter outfits and basket goodies, and make a playlist of my favorite Easter songs for us to listen to.  I would get books at the library, do our Resurrection eggs, and figure out all of the ways I could make Easter meaningful for my family. Don't forget that Easter morning breakfast...my kids still remember that it was blueberry cream cheese pockets last year :)

So here's how this year's Easter planning went down...my in-laws provided Easter attire for the kids, and a friend picked up a few necessary items to round out the outfits; my mom brought me a cute Easter dress; my sister filled Easter eggs and bought items for our kids' Easter baskets (and some neighbors also dropped off baskets!); and a sweet woman from our church made us cinnamon rolls for our breakfast this morning.  I brought nothing to our Easter dinner except for my presence, and we didn't do any Easter crafts. I haven't been to the library in weeks, and our Resurrection eggs are in the still in the basement. There was certainly the temptation to feel completely useless in my role as a mom.   

 

But praise God, I was able to be at church worshiping today with my family, and I am so grateful for that.  In the midst of the chaos of our current days, we have an unshakable anchor in our Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is because of His death and resurrection that we have new life and the anticipation of an eternal inheritance.  I can rest, knowing that my future is secure because of the sacrifice that He made on the cross; and that it's by grace, I have been saved.  Below are the lyrics to a song that has comforted me through numerous nights, particularly after my initial diagnosis.  The band "Shane and Shane" has a fantastic version that I highly recommend (you can find it on Spotify too :).  I hope you experienced the rich, grace-filled blessings of this Easter...

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Sisters :)

Robbins, Boone, and Skoog cousins ready for the Easter egg hunt!!