I am a wife to an incredible man, a mom to 4 beautiful children, and a believer in Jesus Christ. Until February 17, 2015, these were the roles that would define my life. You could add in others...daughter, sister, friend, homemaker, caretaker, homeschooler, teacher, organizer, list-maker, runner...they all would fit too. These were the things I spent my life doing, and my life was full. Little did I know that during my time in fulfilling these roles, God was preparing behind the scenes a new role for me...perhaps a much less desirable one, but one He would indeed call me to.
I found what I thought “might” be a lump in my breast in the fall (2014). It only slightly bothered me, and in the chaos of raising 4 children, getting to the doctor was rather low on the list of priorities. I kept a watch on it, and by February, it seemed to be more noticeable. I made an appointment to see my OB, and he calmly told me that he was not too concerned. He did send me to have a mammogram and ultrasound, and gave me a the name of a surgeon to follow up with...just in case.
I wasn’t really nervous before the mammogram and ultrasound, but I had a strong sense of sadness that my world was getting ready to change. I remember going to my husband the morning before my appointment, with tears streaming down my cheeks. He assured me that this was just a precaution...everything would be okay. We read a statistic that said that 85% of breast lumps are benign. Surely the odds were in my favor. But he also reminded me of his great love for me and for our magnificent God; and together, we gently laid our plans for tomorrow in His hands. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to look back at this day and long for it again. This day mattered, and I would treasure it as my last snapshots of “normal” life.
Bryan went with me to my appointment. The women at the imaging center were so kind, and I know they were thinking that I was so young to be there. As the ultrasound tech was trying to get a good image, she left the room for what seemed like at least a half an hour. I looked at the ultrasound machine and was flooded with memories from our 4 ultrasounds revealing tiny hands and feet, a precious beating heart, and a gender to be revealed. It was the opposite end of the spectrum from excitement, yet it gave my heart comfort as I walked through some of those memories. We get so overwhelmed as mothers in the demand of the urgent. Everything seems difficult and pressing, and we forget the absolutely miraculous story that God is writing with our lives. When we are able to get perspective, we tend to see the beauty in the mess and I was so grateful for that time alone to ponder His goodness over the past 9 years with babies.
As I finished up and was called in to see the radiologist, my brain gets a bit foggy. I know there was something about calcifications on my mammogram, maybe being attributed to something “normal.” But when she pulled up my ultrasound picture, my heart sank. There it was...my tumor. She was so gentle, but her words matched what I saw on the screen. Irregular borders, smacks of color lighting up, a blood vessel that was pumping blood to it...all of which were so concerning to her. She asked Bryan to join us, and we listened in shock to all of her instructions. This radiologist was younger, maybe she was wrong (which she kept saying was her hope). She referred us to the same surgeon my OB had, and told us that Dr. Hernandez would most likely see me as soon as she saw my images.
It didn’t take a lot of convincing for the receptionist to get me a quick appointment, and the next afternoon I was meeting with Dr. Hernandez. She shared all of the concerns of the radiologist, and had Bryan in on the discussion right away. I asked her, “Do you think that it’s cancer.” She sadly replied, “I do.” In God’s providence, he gave me a surgeon that is both honest and compassionate, two things He knew would comfort me. The biopsy was long and painful. But afterwards, this well respected, highly recommended surgeon hugged me and said, “I’ve got your back, Jen. I’m going to get you through this.”
We waited through the next couple of days and long, restless nights. On Saturday afternoon, while I was watching the kids through the window playing in the snow, Dr. Hernandez called. Although she didn’t have all of the pathology numbers back yet, the painful words were clear. “You have cancer.” It looked like it would be an initial Stage 2, as there was at least one diseased lymph node that she could feel during the biopsy. We would meet the following Monday to discuss the remaining numbers from pathology. Our hearts were broken, yet God gave us an incredible peace. We knew God’s character from His Word, and it was time to see that in a more tangible way than we had ever experienced before.
We met with Dr. Hernandez to go over “cancer talk,” as I’ve started calling it. It’s difficult to walk the line between needing to understand what’s going on with my body, but not dwelling on it. So she gave us details about my type of cancer. My tumor is a Grade 3 ductile invasive tumor that is negative to hormone receptors, but is positive for the Her2 protein. Basically, this just means that the cancer started in a milk duct and spread to the surrounding tissue. It is also not responsive to hormone therapy. The Her2 positive protein makes the cancer cells multiply much more rapidly, so it is a more aggressive cancer type. However, this protein is also very responsive to a certain drug in my chemotherapy regimen. Because of the aggressive nature of this cancer, my surgeon wanted to start with chemo treatment, followed by surgery and (possibly) radiation. We also knew that it was in at least 1-2 lymph nodes, and hopefully the chemo would begin to work quickly on any other cells that were spreading.
My next steps were to have an MRI, followed by surgery to put in a port a cath for my chemo treatments to be administered. I would then meet with my oncologist. I had a few days to wait for these appointments, and a sweet boy’s 7th birthday to celebrate! So Bryan and I decided to have our family over that weekend (as we typically do for birthdays!) for A.J.’s birthday party. It was such a wonderful few days with family and friends!! My sister-in-law came and did some precious family pictures for us (pictures below are courtesy of Leah Robbins Photography), and we partied with some Chick-Fil-A and a pretty awesome football cake! Having cancer does something almost immediately to your perspective, and each day becomes very special. I’m so grateful for the memories of this sweet weekend!
The MRI and port a cath procedure were both on that next Monday, and I met with my oncologist the next day. So my journey with cancer really seemed to get real that week! My oncologist is wonderful. I’m so grateful for his young, lively spirit, his cutting edge knowledge, and his positive outlook on everything! Because my MRI results revealed that my tumor was significantly larger than they had originally estimated, he wanted to get a baseline test of anything else that may have been going on in my body. He ordered a chest/abdomen CT scan and a bone scan to make sure that the cancer had not spread past the breast tissue and lymph nodes. Praise the Lord, all of those scans were clear of any cancer!! So as my cancer stands, it is Stage 3 (because of the type and size of my tumor, and the fact that it has spread to the lymph nodes). My doctor really didn’t even want to discuss that though...he is so determined to get me cancer free by the time I go in for surgery, and I love that!!
So, that’s the ugly, cancer stuff. Those are the things that if I let my mind dwell too much, I lose sight of the promises of God. A friend gave me a book called, “Suffering and the Sovereignty of God,” by John Piper and Justin Taylor. In the back is an excerpt called, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer,” and Bryan and I read it very soon after my diagnosis. It was a beautiful reminder of God’s faithfulness to my family, even in the midst of something as tragic as cancer. I knew that He wanted to refine me, and that He would use my suffering for my good and His glory.
Someone I love texted these words to me,
“Remember that God has chosen you worthy to suffer to bring glory to himself. You don’t know how He will use this. But He has a perfect plan and has chosen you to bear that. Consider it an honor.”
These words gave me such comfort, and I continue to cling to them. God, in His infinite wisdom, was not surprised by this. He knew before He created me that cancer would enter my body at 35 years old. He knew I would have a husband and 4 young children. And in this suffering, that I would have the opportunity to give glory to His name. He has used multiple circumstances over the past several years to prepare me for this, and I have such confidence in these two things about my God...He is sovereign and He is good.
In His incredible goodness, God has given us support through our family and the body of Christ like nothing I’ve ever witnessed before. From the very beginning, after our radiology report, people immediately reached out to do EVERYTHING for us. I can’t even begin to list the ways that these amazing people have served us over the past month...it has been breathtaking to watch the body of Christ work, and has been a tremendous encouragement in my family’s walk with the Lord. Countless text messages/emails/cards with scripture verses and the promise to pray, people taking my kids during appointments and first chemo treatment, people bringing us breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, friends taking me to pick out a wig (as I prepared to lose my hair), sisters in Christ coming over to clean every square inch of our home in preparation for my chemo (and my need to have germs be at a minimum), people driving me to appointments and praying with me before tests, precious friends from grade school and college roommates coming in town just to be with me, people gathering to pray for Bryan and I, people bringing gifts to ease the discomforts of chemo...I could literally go on and on. Friends and family have taken the burden off of me to even have to ask for the things I have needed. What a testimony of the work that God has done in their life, that they want to selflessly serve in these ways!!
I know this has been long, and thank you for bearing with me :) I really wanted to have a record for myself, and with everything happening so quickly in the beginning, it was difficult to find the time to write. I hope to keep this updated as much as possible, and will have others do that when I cannot. I’ve had one chemo treatment so far, and I have my second round tomorrow. If you are reading this, would you pray for me? My body did not respond well to one of the drugs during my first treatment, and I had to come back the next day for the remaining treatment. It appeared to be an infusion reaction, something that is rare, but can happen. Please pray that we have no issues with that drug tomorrow, and that everything goes smoothly. And pray for my heart...that it would be encouraged and strengthened with this treatment. The side effects of my first chemo treatment were brutal, and I need help remembering these words over the next couple of weeks…
“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand...My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73: 23, 26)
