A New Normal...

Wow...I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my last blog post!!  For those of you following our story, I apologize for the hiatus!  In many ways, the past 6 weeks have been wonderfully exciting as I've contemplated what it means to see life, particularly the holidays, through fresh eyes.  There is joy, wonder, and glorious gifts to experience each and every day!

In another sense, these past few weeks have presented their difficulties, many of which have kept me from taking the time and energy to sit and record my thoughts.  Like every stage of this journey, God has to teach me how to walk moment by moment in light of who He is.  I honestly don't know what moving through the stages of cancer looks like, and each person's experience with it is different.  I am in a constant state of dependence on a God who already knows the final outcome and has secured my salvation for all time.  That, I know, and that I have to cling to, even when it's one moment at a time.

Part of my struggle is the daily grind of life calling me to step up again, and I don't always feel ready for the task.  My energy level still isn't fully recovered, and the doctors say that will just take time.  And, it's frankly just not natural for me to wake up joyful and ready to experience the beauty of a new day.  In a fallen world, there is tension and struggle, whether that's cancer or frustration with children or the mundane tasks that characterize our particular station in life.  Like Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds us, "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning."  However, I must fight for that joy on a daily basis, not letting the things of this world weight too heavy on my heart.

After radiation wrapped up (rather abruptly), our world seemed to shift into crazy mode...in like a get prepping for the holidays, move forward with school, resume cooking meals, and try to remember how to take care of 4 kiddos on my own again kind of way.  And through all of the "normal" duties that were resuming, I felt like I somehow needed to reflect a bit on what in the world just happened to the past 10 months of my life!

As I said earlier, it's just a new stage in the cancer journey.  After the initial shock, after the chemotherapy, the surgery, and the radiation, after the big decisions have been made...where do I go from here?  How do I live this new normal that just doesn't feel very normal?  Am I done with cancer?  I still have some treatments left and even ended up in the hospital with chest pains a couple of weeks ago (no worries...everything checked out fine :).  Am I "cancer-free?"  What do I say now?  Do I still have something to say?  How do I adequately thank people for the unimaginable acts of service we've received?  What about the fears that rush upon me as I ponder the risk of recurrence?  I wrote these words in my journal this morning that I feel represent some of this struggle...

"Radiation ended, and I lost my words.  How do I finish this part of the race well?  Where do I go from here?  How do I live well in light of all we've been through and learned?  It seems like I've quit stepping by faith and have, instead, insisted on a peek at the end.  I feel a sense of pressure to "wrap up" this journey.  Father God, help me to remember your faithfulness to walk the next step with me.  Help me to see that you've never called me to get it all right, but to walk each day in the knowledge of who you are.  You WILL be faithful to complete the work you've begun in me." 

My mom and I went to my Herceptin appointment today, and I had my scheduled meeting with Dr. Jones, my oncologist, as well.  God perfectly ordained that conversation with him today, because it was EXACTLY what I needed.  One of my struggles has been this whole concept of "cancer-free," versus "no evidence of disease."  My surgeon (and other doctors) have told me that because of the chance of microscopic cells that may still be roaming my body, I really can't call myself cancer-free.  The chemo and surgery treatments were successful, but they cannot determine if there are smaller amounts of cancer lurking around that just simply wouldn't show up on a scan.  Yet.  That's a hard reality to face, and it's felt like I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As always, my oncologist was a positive breath of fresh air for my soul today.  Although he acknowledged that not all doctors would agree with him, he boldly declared that he would call me "cancer-free!"  His paraphrased words were, "Are we worried about a recurrence, absolutely.  But...right now, the evidence we have is that you are cancer-free!!  Call it what it is, right now.  You can't control what's next, but none of us can.  You may never face cancer again, so why spend time worrying that it "might" be there.  You live, right now, cancer-free."  His goal is to cure my body of this dreadful disease, and he will do everything within his power to accomplish that.  I just needed that, and praise God that he would give me a doctor that would give me those fighting words today.

It's not that I've been dwelling on the negative, but those above questions I listed are real.  If you are praying for me, pray that God would lead my every step as I seek to continue to follow Him through this next stage.  Pray that He would continue to give me opportunities to glorify Him and that I would fully trust in His plans for my life.  And finally, pray that Jesus would truly be enough...that He would not be my consolation prize, but would be my everything.  May I view all things in the light of His glory and grace, especially through this Christmas season.

I was so sad that the Thanksgiving holiday passed and I wasn't able to process my thoughts here!  Part of it was that I "may" have overdone it with the Thanksgiving food preparations (and that all of those preparations were done with a certain 3 year old that thinks that cracking eggs and "helping" is awesome :)  I was WORN out!!  But part of it is that I truly have no idea of how to fully express my thankfulness adequately.  My heart overflows with gratefulness, and I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts together!  How silly, really :)  This picture speaks for itself...

Photo by Leah Robbins Photography

Thank you all, as well, for your ceaseless prayers and support for myself and my whole family.  God has used you in a mighty way in our lives to show His goodness and His great care for us through the most difficult of times.  We are so grateful that countless of you have allowed yourselves to be instruments in the Father's hand to bring Him glory.  What a gift you've given and continue to give us.

Here are some of the other fall pictures that haven't made it up here yet!!  Even in the midst of fatigue and questions, God has been so very good to our family...

Bryan and I have started the tradition of taking the birthday kid out to celebrate his/her birthday with JUST Mom and Dad!!  It was Landon's turn at the end of October :)  Skyline and the Web for him!

The master carver...

Hailey's volleyball team went undefeated for the season and won the end of the season tournament.  She LOVED every minute!

My sweet Dad turned 60 this year, so it was only natural to go out for his favorite food...cheesecake at the new Cheesecake Factory.  This man brings such joy and delight to my life.

Our friend (and our kids' Sunday School teacher) brough us to a Chris Tomlin concert.  It was SOOOO good!!  Thanks, Miss Vicki :)

My dear mother-in-law and sister-in-law at the Skoog Family Thanksgiving.  It was wonderful to celebrate with them (except for the part when our 6 year old threw up all over their entire living room...it made it not only wonderful, but "exciting" :)

Hailey with her beloved cousin, Christy Ann.  These two have so much fun together!!

Thanksgiving with the Robbins family!  Adults, and...

the kids!!  It's never very a dull moment at that table ;)

My grandparents made the trip down to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving.  Love when they're able to come!

The annual Christmas tree hunt!  This year, it was in the rain :)

My friend, Kate, (who is always so much more creative and crafty than me) had the kids over to make gingerbread houses.  It was totally not a disaster!!

We spent the day with our dear friends, the Zurchers.  We started with the Lebanon Christmas Horse Parade and ended with a pretty amazing party downtown, complete with fireworks.  We love them and had such a fun, Christmasy time :)