Enduring Mile 10

Before being diagnosed with cancer in February, I had just started to train for a race.  Running has been one of my favorite things for many years, and it's one of the aspects of "normal life" that I miss the most right now.  There have been other seasons of my life when running has had to be temporarily sacrificed (like those nice long breaks during pregnancy!).  The race I was training for has come and gone, but I hope to get another one on the calendar once my body is healthy again!

Running, surprisingly to many people, brings me joy.  Now, I don't necessarily miss the training part.  Those cold, dark, early mornings tend to make me question my sanity to CHOOSE such a thing for myself (and confirm the value of good running buddies :).  Ironically, though, those mornings can often turn into the very reason I choose to run as well.  You suffer through those first few miles, the sun quietly rises, and all of a sudden, it's there...the runner's high!  God's glory in creation is on full display, your legs get their stride, and running becomes almost theraputic (especially when you have great music blaring through your headphones :).

Then comes the day of the race...you arrive and immediately bond with the thousands of other runners who have been doing the very same thing that you have on those cold, dark, early mornings.  It's a beautiful thing to cross that starting line with strangers, who just recently became your new best friends.  Again, you suffer through those first few miles, get into a rhythm, and you're feeling good.  All of a sudden (and this seems to happen to me almost every half marathon that I've run), something happens to your body.  It's usually around Mile 10 for me.  My legs tighten up, and I get tired.  I know that there are only 3 miles left, but I have no idea how my body will allow me to go 3 more miles.  I've finished 10, and yet 3 feels like an eternity.

Friends, that's a bit how I feel right now.  I've finished 4 cycles of this chemotherapy regimen, and have only 2 to go!  Almost every time I tell someone this, they begin to do the happy dance.  And I do too, but then I stop.  The thought of having to endure one more cycle of chemotherapy is enough to make me want to run and hide right now.  How will I possibly be able to get through 2 more cycles?  2 more cycles of having them access my port (I can't seem to get used to a needle coming at my chest :).  2 more cycles of that foggy, sleepy haze that comes with chemo.  2 more cycles of nausea, weight loss, and having to keep up with food and fluids.  2 more cycles of funky, awful tastes.  2 more cycles of bone pain and body aches.  You get the idea :)

I have written very little since getting chemo #4 because I have just honestly been weary.  It's my Mile 10 to endure.  I've come so far, and it's only a little further for this part of the process!  The chemo finish line is close; but everything has tightened up, and I'm tired.  It's harder to find joy during the rough weeks, and I just want time to go faster.

Dictionary.com defines endurance as this..."the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain or hardships; the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or adverse conditions; stamina."  And Romans 5:3-5 says, "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

When I push through and endure the pain in a race, I'm rewarded at the end with the finish line.  There will be rewards with this at the finish line as well.  I don't know exactly what that will look like right now, but I know I will be different.  I will be stronger, more refined, filled with more hope to endure the next challenge.

I want to thank all of you who spur me on to endure each day of this.  One of the difficulties in being tired and foggy much of the time is that I don't always get around to sending thank you notes.  I want each person who has reached out to us in any way to know how extremely grateful I am.  I've been in awe of the people who have loved us, some that don't even know us!  I've read every card, every text, every Facebook message (many through tears).  I've watched my family enjoy meals delicately prepared by people.  We've cried as we've received beautiful thoughtful gifts (and gift cards!).  My children are being loved and cared for by so many (and most of these people have children of their own and don't blink at the challenge of adding my four to the mix!).  If you have done anything for our family during this time, please know that you are appreciated more than the words I could write.  We love you each so much and could never have imagined the amount of support we've been shown by you.  My hope is that I will learn from you how to love others well in suffering and will be better equipped to help them endure the race set before them.

Chemo #5 is in the morning, and as I write this, I'm beginning to feel more ready!  I was battling a cold and cough when I went in for my last round.  My oncologist was a little bit hesitant to treat me, but he decided to put me on a Z-pac and give it a go.  The Z-pac took care of the illness, and my body handled everything just fine!  I really believe God has placed his hand of protection over me so many times along the way, as my immune system has endured my exposure to germs and illnesses.  Emergency room visits due to infection are common for chemo patients, and I feel so fortunate to have avoided those thus far!

As usual in my third week, I've felt really good!  I've had a great appetite, have had lots more energy, and have had a busy week catching up on life :)  You can pray for me during my treatment tomorrow...I know that you do because I have SO much peace during chemo!

"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you..." (Philippians 1: 3)

Here are some pictures from the past couple of weeks...

Getting some much needed fluids at the beginning of Week 2

These little guys got to do Lego Camp!  Our friend owns a Bricks 4 Kids business, and it was awesome!!

Fire, smores, and cousins=kid heaven!  The only thing better was camping in the backyard with Daddy that night!!

What a sweetie!!

This kiddo and I skipped the campout, but had our fair share of smores :)

A.J. has officially lost both front teeth, and it's ADORABLE!!  

Family night at Chick-Fil-A...they made glasses!

An evening at the park and...

GRAETERS ICE CREAM!

We took my parents' tickets and were lucky enough to see the Reds win!!

So fun to be out together!!

The adults in our family got a babysitter for all 11 kids so that we could go out for my Mom's birthday.  What a great investment, and one we need to make again soon!!

Just the girls...

and the boys :)

Chemo update

Chemo #4 is up and running!  Because of my cough, I've been put in a back room away from other patients.  My doctor said it was to avoid the "looks" I would get (yep...I would be nervous about someone hacking all over the room during chemo too!).  He's putting me on a Z-pack for it, and the private room is actually kind of nice!  Thank you so much for praying us through all of this :)

Celebrations and updates

So, my test results came back from this week, and everything looked good!  My white blood cell count fell within the normal range, and my chest x-ray was clear.  I still have a cough and sore throat, but I assume I will be given the green light on my chemo treatment tomorrow.  You can pray that my body continues to fight this cold and that my immune system doesn't get wiped out with this next treatment.  I'm a little nervous about adding the chemo side effects on top of this illness!

The weekend was filled with sweet celebrations...my Mom's birthday was today, so we celebrated yesterday with our whole family (which included a visit yesterday afternoon with my grandparents!).  This was all after the boys' baseball game, so I was feeling pretty spent by the time I climbed in bed last night.  But again, I want to be spent for the good things, when I'm able!  

This morning, the kids brought me donuts and Mother's Day gifts, along with their sweet little cards :)  My brother, who is getting ready to graduate from seminary this week, preached a fantastic sermon at church this morning.  And I was able to go see "Cinderella" with my mom and sister this afternoon!  We attempted a dinner out with the kids tonight, although everyone knows that kids (um, especially 2--year old kids) can be unpredictable.  It was a good thing that we chose Red Robin, because it was loud enough to drown out his "unpleasantness!"

Overall, it was a good day, and I am grateful.  Tomorrow morning marks another hurdle...Round 4 of chemo.  My friend, who is an oncology nurse, told me that the treatments are cumulative, which explains why treatment #3 felt more difficult.  Pray that my body tolerates this one well, and that we inch that much closer to the end of these treatments!  Also, pray that the chemo is doing the job and getting each and every cancer cell that remains in my body.  Finally, as usual, you can pray that my heart remains steadfast, encouraged, and joyful as I head into the more difficult days ahead.  Thank you all so much!!

My sweet grandparents came for a visit this weekend :)

Love these people so much!!!

Prayer request...

So, this is supposed to be my fun week (and I was having fun!!).  However, it seems that my body had other plans.  I've had a sore throat for a couple of weeks now, and I started having a pretty good cough yesterday (along with lots of congestion).  It's probably just a cold; but with my immune system being down, my oncologist wants to check it out.  He's ordered a lab work-up and chest x-ray, and I will be having both of those in the morning.  Since I have my next round of chemo this upcoming Monday, hopefully we can get everything addressed by then.  You can pray that things go smoothly, that my body fights whatever is going on quickly, and that we can proceed on Monday with my treatment.  Thank you so much for lifting us before the God who knows all things!!

All things new...

As of my most recent post, things were a bit bleak around here.  Although it is difficult to share some of those moments, I'm grateful that God is giving me the strength to do so.  I feel like it's going to be an immeasurable blessing someday to look back over these posts and rejoice in the ways that God weaved His purposes all throughout this situation, the good and the bad.  And I also feel that it's helpful for people to have glimpses into the reality of suffering.

Everyone struggles with something, and this is my particular battle right now.  I told someone this week that it actually felt easier at my initial diagnosis to see things from the right perspective than it is on some of the more difficult days now.  Why did the bigger picture seem so much more clear to me then, after I had received such devastating news?  And my friend reminded me that it was kind of like the calm before the storm.  The news was in, the groundwork had been laid, and we felt ready.  Don't get me wrong, those were some really tough days in the beginning.  But my heart felt steady.  The test for me now is, can I remain steadfast when the storms of cancer leave me sick, exhausted, and in pain?  Can I fight for joy when I'm unable to get out of bed and feel completely unproductive?  Can I endure this suffering for the days, weeks, and months ahead?

The most wonderful news is that in this struggle to remain faithful, I am clinging to a God who is sure.  He is steadfast, faithful, an immovable foundation, a solid rock.  He is Creator, Provider, and the God who sees us.  The Bible says that he rejoices over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17), and that He loves with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).  His character is perfect, and it never changes, no matter what storms may come into my life.  And BECAUSE He is all of those things, not only can I trust Him, but I can be steadfast as well.  This doesn't mean that there are not tears, struggles, and heartbreak, but He never leaves me there.  In Lamentations, the writer says, "My endurance has perished...my soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me."  He feels defeated.  But in the next verse, he says, this...

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:21-23)     

Because of these constant reminders I have, along with the help of some seriously amazing family and friends, I was able to get through these tough couple of weeks.  As of about Thursday, I've turned a corner again and am feeling much better!  I was even able to go to our boys' baseball game today, and our family celebrated with dinner out together tonight.  Sweet, sweet times that I no longer take for granted.

These boys did so great today...and I cannot handle the cuteness :)

Half of the family at Milanos for dinner.  We got to watch the Derby, too!!

I wish that I could talk about all of the ways that I'm growing and all of the people who are blessing my life through this time, but my words would go on forever.  But one thing is certain...I do not walk this road alone, and I am learning some absolutely beautiful lessons about friendship.  I had a wonderful friend tell me soon after my diagnosis that if I needed someone to tell my "ugly stuff" to, she would be the person.  It's difficult to be vulnerable enough to let people see our "ugly stuff," isn't it?  We want people to think we have it all together, that we are strong.  We put our best "Pinterest self" out there for the world to see, hoping no one sees the smudged, cracked, and broken pieces of our lives..  But friendship becomes real and beautiful when our messiness is exposed, and we find love and acceptance.

Real friendship showed up so many times this week for me.  Lying in bed, sick and bald is just not glamorous, let's just be honest :)  My house is a wreck, my kids can be very loud, and there is nothing "Pinteresty" about my life right now.  And I had multiple people in my house everyday to witness our crazy party.  Some friends were helping to care for the kids, some were stopping by to drop meals or groceries off, others were simply coming to visit with me.  But God drew each of them into my life this week to teach me about real and genuine friendship.

These friends were not coming to be impressed.  They were coming to love and serve their friend in need, and they showed up with open arms.  One of my friends heard that I was lonely having to be in bed for so long, so she came over and watched HGTV with me.  Another one came over to rub my feet!  A childhood friend took off work to spend a day with me.  And yet another (the one who said she'd listen to the "ugly stuff" :) reminded me of all of the beautiful ways I can still serve my family, even when I can't get out of bed.  It was exactly what I needed to hear, and she wasn't afraid to tell me.

Brenda has been my friend since 3rd grade  and spent a day with me this week :)

You see, God doesn't create us to be alone.  We may want to be, at times, and sometimes we need our space.  But when I say "yes" to visitors, to people offering to help, to allowing myself to be vulnerable, I find nothing but encouragement and blessing.  The conversations I've had on my couch have been priceless.  Listening to godly women do crafts and bake banana bread with my kids will be memories they (and I) will have for a lifetime.  Before cancer, I would have tried to tidy the house first and get myself together.  I have no choice now but to just say, "Come on in."

Cancer is hard.  It's ugly, and I wish I didn't have to go through it.  But oh, the refining that God is doing in my heart, I know is so necessary.  Bryan and I were watching an episode of "Fixer Upper" the other night (yes, I am watching a LOT of HGTV :), and Chip and Joanna (the hosts) had shown a couple a house that was completely trashed.  This was one of three houses that the couple could choose to be their fixer upper, and it was a doozie.  It was listed for $35,000!!  With all of the things Chip and Joanna offered to do to the house, Bryan and I were both hoping that the couple would choose it!  But it required some serious trust on their part, because it was really bad!  I was so excited when the couple revealed their choice of houses...the catastrophe house!  Chip and Joanna did over $100,000 worth of work to this scary looking house; and in the end, it was AMAZING!!  The couple was in awe as they walked from room to room seeing how every square inch of this home had been transformed into something beautiful.

It instantly reminded me of the way Christ transforms us.  When we come to Him, we are broken and tattered and falling apart, just like this house.  And He goes through every part of us, refining us and making us brand new and beautiful.  In parts of the house, they had to get the bulldozer out and completely demo everything.  Our refining, likewise, can be dramatic and painful.  We can't see the finished product, and it seems to be an unrecognizable mess.  But then it starts to come together, and we see a glimpse of what He's doing.  The beauty begins to come together, and we see finished rooms in our hearts where there were once broken walls.  We won't see the finished product this side of heaven, but He has promised to complete it.  Cancer is one of the ways God is, believe it or not, making me new.  And because I know the character of God, I can trust Him to finish the work He's started.