Everyone struggles with something, and this is my particular battle right now. I told someone this week that it actually felt easier at my initial diagnosis to see things from the right perspective than it is on some of the more difficult days now. Why did the bigger picture seem so much more clear to me then, after I had received such devastating news? And my friend reminded me that it was kind of like the calm before the storm. The news was in, the groundwork had been laid, and we felt ready. Don't get me wrong, those were some really tough days in the beginning. But my heart felt steady. The test for me now is, can I remain steadfast when the storms of cancer leave me sick, exhausted, and in pain? Can I fight for joy when I'm unable to get out of bed and feel completely unproductive? Can I endure this suffering for the days, weeks, and months ahead?
The most wonderful news is that in this struggle to remain faithful, I am clinging to a God who is sure. He is steadfast, faithful, an immovable foundation, a solid rock. He is Creator, Provider, and the God who sees us. The Bible says that he rejoices over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17), and that He loves with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). His character is perfect, and it never changes, no matter what storms may come into my life. And BECAUSE He is all of those things, not only can I trust Him, but I can be steadfast as well. This doesn't mean that there are not tears, struggles, and heartbreak, but He never leaves me there. In Lamentations, the writer says, "My endurance has perished...my soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me." He feels defeated. But in the next verse, he says, this...
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:21-23)
Because of these constant reminders I have, along with the help of some seriously amazing family and friends, I was able to get through these tough couple of weeks. As of about Thursday, I've turned a corner again and am feeling much better! I was even able to go to our boys' baseball game today, and our family celebrated with dinner out together tonight. Sweet, sweet times that I no longer take for granted.
I wish that I could talk about all of the ways that I'm growing and all of the people who are blessing my life through this time, but my words would go on forever. But one thing is certain...I do not walk this road alone, and I am learning some absolutely beautiful lessons about friendship. I had a wonderful friend tell me soon after my diagnosis that if I needed someone to tell my "ugly stuff" to, she would be the person. It's difficult to be vulnerable enough to let people see our "ugly stuff," isn't it? We want people to think we have it all together, that we are strong. We put our best "Pinterest self" out there for the world to see, hoping no one sees the smudged, cracked, and broken pieces of our lives.. But friendship becomes real and beautiful when our messiness is exposed, and we find love and acceptance.
Real friendship showed up so many times this week for me. Lying in bed, sick and bald is just not glamorous, let's just be honest :) My house is a wreck, my kids can be very loud, and there is nothing "Pinteresty" about my life right now. And I had multiple people in my house everyday to witness our crazy party. Some friends were helping to care for the kids, some were stopping by to drop meals or groceries off, others were simply coming to visit with me. But God drew each of them into my life this week to teach me about real and genuine friendship.
These friends were not coming to be impressed. They were coming to love and serve their friend in need, and they showed up with open arms. One of my friends heard that I was lonely having to be in bed for so long, so she came over and watched HGTV with me. Another one came over to rub my feet! A childhood friend took off work to spend a day with me. And yet another (the one who said she'd listen to the "ugly stuff" :) reminded me of all of the beautiful ways I can still serve my family, even when I can't get out of bed. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and she wasn't afraid to tell me.
You see, God doesn't create us to be alone. We may want to be, at times, and sometimes we need our space. But when I say "yes" to visitors, to people offering to help, to allowing myself to be vulnerable, I find nothing but encouragement and blessing. The conversations I've had on my couch have been priceless. Listening to godly women do crafts and bake banana bread with my kids will be memories they (and I) will have for a lifetime. Before cancer, I would have tried to tidy the house first and get myself together. I have no choice now but to just say, "Come on in."
Cancer is hard. It's ugly, and I wish I didn't have to go through it. But oh, the refining that God is doing in my heart, I know is so necessary. Bryan and I were watching an episode of "Fixer Upper" the other night (yes, I am watching a LOT of HGTV :), and Chip and Joanna (the hosts) had shown a couple a house that was completely trashed. This was one of three houses that the couple could choose to be their fixer upper, and it was a doozie. It was listed for $35,000!! With all of the things Chip and Joanna offered to do to the house, Bryan and I were both hoping that the couple would choose it! But it required some serious trust on their part, because it was really bad! I was so excited when the couple revealed their choice of houses...the catastrophe house! Chip and Joanna did over $100,000 worth of work to this scary looking house; and in the end, it was AMAZING!! The couple was in awe as they walked from room to room seeing how every square inch of this home had been transformed into something beautiful.
It instantly reminded me of the way Christ transforms us. When we come to Him, we are broken and tattered and falling apart, just like this house. And He goes through every part of us, refining us and making us brand new and beautiful. In parts of the house, they had to get the bulldozer out and completely demo everything. Our refining, likewise, can be dramatic and painful. We can't see the finished product, and it seems to be an unrecognizable mess. But then it starts to come together, and we see a glimpse of what He's doing. The beauty begins to come together, and we see finished rooms in our hearts where there were once broken walls. We won't see the finished product this side of heaven, but He has promised to complete it. Cancer is one of the ways God is, believe it or not, making me new. And because I know the character of God, I can trust Him to finish the work He's started.
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| These boys did so great today...and I cannot handle the cuteness :) |
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| Half of the family at Milanos for dinner. We got to watch the Derby, too!! |
I wish that I could talk about all of the ways that I'm growing and all of the people who are blessing my life through this time, but my words would go on forever. But one thing is certain...I do not walk this road alone, and I am learning some absolutely beautiful lessons about friendship. I had a wonderful friend tell me soon after my diagnosis that if I needed someone to tell my "ugly stuff" to, she would be the person. It's difficult to be vulnerable enough to let people see our "ugly stuff," isn't it? We want people to think we have it all together, that we are strong. We put our best "Pinterest self" out there for the world to see, hoping no one sees the smudged, cracked, and broken pieces of our lives.. But friendship becomes real and beautiful when our messiness is exposed, and we find love and acceptance.
Real friendship showed up so many times this week for me. Lying in bed, sick and bald is just not glamorous, let's just be honest :) My house is a wreck, my kids can be very loud, and there is nothing "Pinteresty" about my life right now. And I had multiple people in my house everyday to witness our crazy party. Some friends were helping to care for the kids, some were stopping by to drop meals or groceries off, others were simply coming to visit with me. But God drew each of them into my life this week to teach me about real and genuine friendship.
These friends were not coming to be impressed. They were coming to love and serve their friend in need, and they showed up with open arms. One of my friends heard that I was lonely having to be in bed for so long, so she came over and watched HGTV with me. Another one came over to rub my feet! A childhood friend took off work to spend a day with me. And yet another (the one who said she'd listen to the "ugly stuff" :) reminded me of all of the beautiful ways I can still serve my family, even when I can't get out of bed. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and she wasn't afraid to tell me.
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| Brenda has been my friend since 3rd grade and spent a day with me this week :) |
You see, God doesn't create us to be alone. We may want to be, at times, and sometimes we need our space. But when I say "yes" to visitors, to people offering to help, to allowing myself to be vulnerable, I find nothing but encouragement and blessing. The conversations I've had on my couch have been priceless. Listening to godly women do crafts and bake banana bread with my kids will be memories they (and I) will have for a lifetime. Before cancer, I would have tried to tidy the house first and get myself together. I have no choice now but to just say, "Come on in."
Cancer is hard. It's ugly, and I wish I didn't have to go through it. But oh, the refining that God is doing in my heart, I know is so necessary. Bryan and I were watching an episode of "Fixer Upper" the other night (yes, I am watching a LOT of HGTV :), and Chip and Joanna (the hosts) had shown a couple a house that was completely trashed. This was one of three houses that the couple could choose to be their fixer upper, and it was a doozie. It was listed for $35,000!! With all of the things Chip and Joanna offered to do to the house, Bryan and I were both hoping that the couple would choose it! But it required some serious trust on their part, because it was really bad! I was so excited when the couple revealed their choice of houses...the catastrophe house! Chip and Joanna did over $100,000 worth of work to this scary looking house; and in the end, it was AMAZING!! The couple was in awe as they walked from room to room seeing how every square inch of this home had been transformed into something beautiful.
It instantly reminded me of the way Christ transforms us. When we come to Him, we are broken and tattered and falling apart, just like this house. And He goes through every part of us, refining us and making us brand new and beautiful. In parts of the house, they had to get the bulldozer out and completely demo everything. Our refining, likewise, can be dramatic and painful. We can't see the finished product, and it seems to be an unrecognizable mess. But then it starts to come together, and we see a glimpse of what He's doing. The beauty begins to come together, and we see finished rooms in our hearts where there were once broken walls. We won't see the finished product this side of heaven, but He has promised to complete it. Cancer is one of the ways God is, believe it or not, making me new. And because I know the character of God, I can trust Him to finish the work He's started.
Personally, I needed to read your words about community today, so thank you friend for being real with me, with "us." Love you and continuing to pray daily for you and your family.
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