Changed for Good

Tomorrow will mark the 3-week post-surgery point, and there hasn't been a whole lot to report!  The recovery from my surgery was supposed to last 4-6 weeks, but I assumed I would feel so much better by now.  Unfortunately, recovery has just been SLOW.  There is consistent pain throughout the day, but the nights have been incredibly difficult.  From the moment I get into bed until the next morning, I'm in pain that makes even small movements almost unbearable.  I wake frequently to shift ever so slightly, and my poor husband listens to my cries of constant discomfort throughout the night.

My mom has been coming early in the morning just to help push me out of bed, give me my next round of medications, and empty my drainage tubes.  It's been rather pathetic :)  However, once I get up and moving, particularly for the past few days, I've felt better and am getting more mobile around the house.  Praise God that I've had my precious mom here to help keep our home from completely biting the dust!  She's a gentle, yet firm presence for my children, and an unbelievable caretaker for both me and my home.  And honestly, I have just enjoyed spending time with her!  She encourages me when I'm prone to pity and makes me laugh when my medications makes me foggy and forgetful.  Laughter has always made the ickiness of cancer so much more bearable.

Hanging out with my mom at my Herceptin infusion :)

During my first appointment with the plastic surgeon, he was able to remove 2 of the 4 drains from my side, just under my arms.  When I saw him last week, I was SO hoping he would remove the other two as well.  Instead, he told me to take it easy, and I walked back to the car with two painful drains still hanging from my sides.  Today, however, it was a different story!  He removed the last two drains, which I am so excited about!!  Hopefully that will cut down on my pain and will be a much needed inconvenience removed.

We are still rejoicing with happy hearts from the news of my pathology report, so much so that I sometimes feel like this is the end of the road!  And then reality hits, and I realize there are still hurdles to jump.  Comparatively shorter and less difficult hurdles, yet obstacles that I'd really rather avoid.  After spending two hours in the infusion center yesterday, only to glance at my calendar to make my next appointment 3 weeks from now was a bleak reminder that my journey isn't over.  I will visit those sweet nurses and sit with my other cancer fighting comrades every 3 weeks for the next 6 months.  The baton has been passed from my surgical oncologist to both my plastic surgeon and my radiation oncologist for the remainder of my cancer treatments; and as much as I like both doctors, I'm not particularly excited to enter this last phase.  Reconstruction and radiation don't come without complication risks, so you can pray that both of those in tandem will go smoothly. 

Honestly, I'm just ready to feel like myself again.  I remember looking in the mirror when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and I looked so normal!  There were no symptoms, and I didn't feel sick at all.  Yet I knew that I was getting ready to dive into the abyss of cancer treatments, and it would change so much about me.  It didn't happen all at once, but one day I glanced at myself again in the mirror and the fear had become reality...I looked like I had cancer.  Those treatments had ravaged my body to a point where I hardly recognized myself in the mirror.  Now that the chemo and surgery part of my treatments are over, I'm ready for my hair to grow long again and for strength to return to my body.  And like almost everything else in this cancer journey, SLOW is the name of the game.  My hair is starting to grow back in, and I joke that I look like one of those little troll dolls from the 80's when I wake up in the morning (minus the florescent color :)  My blood counts are still on the low side, so my strength is still minimal.  And thanks to the pain from surgery, I spend much of the day feeling a bit useless.

As I shared some of these frustrations with Bryan last night, he reminded me that many of those things will return.  My hair will grow back, the pain will eventually subside, and the treatments will hopefully become a distant memory.  But I will be different.  Cancer has and will continue to mark me in ways that I may not even have a glimpse of yet, and I will be forever changed.  My heart has witnessed things through the lens of suffering that wouldn't have otherwise been seen, and I can't even begin to express my gratefulness for that.  As I wrote about in a previous post...God is making me new through a heartache like cancer, and it is overwhelming to see His love for me through each step of that process.  Those changes, which were once so painful in the beginning, have become welcomed reminders that He is good and faithful to complete His work in us.  He loves us enough to not leave us where we are, but continues to mold us each day for our good and for His glory.

One last thing...a while back, I asked you to pray for a few families in our church that were battling suffering.  I know they would covet your prayers now more than ever.  One man battling pancreatic cancer had received the heartbreaking news that they couldn't complete his whipple surgery because the cancer had spread from his pancreas to his liver.  He is continuing to bravely fight for his life as he endures endless chemo treatments.  The woman I mentioned is also literally fighting for her precious life as doctors try to keep up with the complications from her inoperable cancer.  I've spoken to both of these individuals recently, and it's breathtaking to hear of their love and trust in their Savior in the midst of such tragic pain.  They have learned the beautiful truth that suffering is not void of His goodness, and they are glorifying Him until their final breath.  Please pray that Christ would be near and would continue to comfort and encourage them.

"The faith of the Bible will never call you to deny reality in any way.  The faith of the Bible is so in awe of the grandeur and glory of God that it is able to look at the darkest of realities in life and not be afraid."  (Paul Tripp--New Morning Mercies)  

"And Give Him the Glory Great Things He Hath Done"

I've been recovering for a little over a week now from surgery, and I have to be honest...it's been so painful.  Between the mastectomy incisions, the axillary node biopsy, the drain insertions, and the tissue expanders, I'm never quite sure which part is hurting more!  We are still trying to figure out a combination of medications that makes it more comfortable, particularly through the night.  It WILL end (hopefully sooner, than later :)!!

However, we met with my surgeon this morning, and the news from my surgery could not be better.  I cannot believe I even get to write these words!  The pathology report showed NO cancer present in ANYTHING that was biopsied.  This means that both breasts, along with 10 lymph nodes that were removed on my left side contained not a trace of cancer when examined under the microscope, which is hands-down the BEST CASE scenario for my case!!  The left breast and lymph nodes contained "extensive stromal fibrosis with chronic inflammation...consistent with therapeutic effect," meaning my chemotherapy went in there and did EXACTLY what it was supposed to do to the cancer!  My risk of recurrence (local/regional and distant) is now significantly lower because there was a "complete pathological response" to the chemo.  My oncologist told me in the beginning that his goal was to get me cancer-free by surgery, and that's what he did!

We knew from the MRI I had back in June that the chemo had been working.  There were no longer any visible signs of the tumor on the scan.  However, it was still very possible that cancer cells were hiding amidst all of the calcifications, and they needed to remove those questionable areas in order to confirm a complete response to the treatment or not.  God has been so faithful through each step of this journey, and we knew He would continue to receive glory whether there were tears of joy or tears of sorrow with the results.  This time, we would be humbled and in awe that He saw fit to heal me.  Our surgeon nearly had tears right along with us and described this news as simply "awesome."

This was our ultimate desire, and we prayed desperately that cancer would be removed from my body.  But we knew this very easily could have gone the other way.  My tumor size, grade, type, and the fact that it had moved into my lymph system were risk factors that didn't weigh kindly in my favor.  Yet we rejoice in all that He has done and know that He continues to hold all of my days in His mighty hands.

This has been a tremendously difficult road to walk, and we are not quite at the finish line.  From everyone we have spoken with, there has been a consensus to still do radiation about 4-6 weeks from now.  Although there was no cancer on anything biopsied (which was in fact, awesome news!!), my surgeon still hesitated on calling me "cancer-free."  Because of the size of my original tumor and the fact that it had spread to lymph nodes, radiation will still likely be in the plan as one last means of battling the risk of recurrence in the lymph nodes, chest wall, or somewhere else distant.  We will know that decision once we meet again with the radiation oncologist.

We also need to complete my reconstruction, which if all goes well through radiation, should be finished about 3-6 months after my last radiation treatment.  The last little reminder of cancer will be my Herceptin infusion every 3 weeks until March 2016.  This is the targeted therapy component (for the Her2 positive status) of my chemotherapy regimen that they say has done most of the heavy lifting against my tumor.  Had I received my diagnosis 15-20 years ago, the outcome would have most likely been dreadfully different.  The chemo regimen I received (TCHP) is proving to be very successful in treating my type of cancer.

I will continue to post updates here as I progress towards the end of my treatments (there is a finish line that's almost in sight!).  Hopefully, normal life will resume sometime in the not so distant future :)  The Lord has opened my eyes to so many things through all of this, and my heart overflows with thankfulness...both for the works He has done and for the hands He has used to serve us.  These are the lyrics to a hymn that has been flowing through my mind this afternoon.  He has truly done great things...

To God, be the glory great things He hath done

So loved he the world that he gave us His Son

Who yielded His life our redemption to win,

And opened the life-gate that all may go in.

Refrain:

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,

Let the earth hear His voice,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,

Let the people rejoice;

Oh, come to the Father, through Jesus the Son,

And give Him the glory, great things He hath done.

Oh, perfect redemption, the purchase of blood,

To every believer the promise of God;

The vilest offender who truly believes,

That moment from Jesus a pardon receives.

Refrain

Great things He hath taught us, great things He hath done,

And great our rejoicing through Jesus the Son;

But purer and higher, and greater will be

Our wonder, our transport when Jesus we see.

Refrain

(Fannie Crosby: 1820-1915)

Home Sweet Home

Psalm 46 (ESV)

God is our refuge and strength, 
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved 
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
He utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us; 
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; 
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The Lord of hosts is with us; 
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I thought I would have a lot to say after coming home from surgery...so much has happened to my body in the past several days!  However, I've also been taking so much pain medicine that I hardly remember any of it!  In fact, I went to make a phone call to one of my doctors yesterday afternoon, and my mom informed me that I had already talked to her last Thursday when I was in the hospital.  My world is fuzzy and filled with these "dream-like" conversations, the result of the much needed medications to keep up with the intense pain.

On the day of surgery, God provided all of the peace and rest that I needed to face those uncertain moments.  I had meetings with all of my doctors that morning, and the fearful anticipation faded into determined strength as we went over each procedure.  It became so clear that we were with the right team of doctors, and that the Lord would hold my shaky hand each step of the way.

My brother came to the hospital before surgery to pray with Bryan, my mom, and myself and to read some scripture with us (including Psalm 46 above).  How comforting to know that I can "be still" before God.  To recognize His character and to find complete and total peace in Him.  My heart was restless up until the day before surgery.  But once it was time to go, I could rest that His plan for me was solid.  Would it mean that I would have no further pain or difficulty?  No.  Would it mean that things would work out in perfect order, just the way I planned them to?  No.  But could I trust in a powerful God who not only put this magnificent world in motion, but also cares deeply for each and every detail of my life?  Absolutely.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

The surgery was performed by a surgical oncologist (for the bi-lateral mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection) and a plastic surgeon (to put in tissue expanders for reconstruction).  It lasted almost 7 hours, and I was told that everything went very well!  I had a very sweet nurse who apparently, according to my instructions, was not allowed to leave my side.  Early in my chemotherapy, my body had allergically reacted to one of my chemo drugs (my throat swelled up, and I couldn't breathe).  Although that didn't happen this time, I think that some of the anesthesia gave me a similar feeling when I woke up from surgery.  But she was wonderful, as were all of the nurses that cared for me during my time in the hospital.  It was an extremely painful few days and nights, and I was so grateful for such fantastic care from all of my doctors, nurses, and other assistants.

So, I've been home now since Friday evening, and it's just been crazy foggy and painful!!  I will be seeing my plastic surgeon and his team later this afternoon and will see my surgical oncologist on Friday.  We should have pathology results back when we meet with our doctor on Friday.  Hopefully my body is beginning to heal and things will be moving in a good direction soon!  Thank you so much for all of your prayers for us.  You can pray, specifically for my mom and Bryan, as they are the people that are caring the most for me on a daily basis right now.  Pray for strength, patience, and energy as they care for not only me, but our sweet kiddos as well.  Pray, also, that I would not get discouraged with the pain, but would endure and "fix my eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2)

My sweet nurse, Angie, took care of me for the final round before I came home.   

Ready or not...

Tomorrow marks another hurdle in my cancer treatment...surgery!!  It's after midnight, and I'm still up (mostly because I had to take advantage of the last available eating minutes until midnight, when I'm cut off :).  My heart is steady tonight, but today was a different story.

I would love to go into detail, but I really need to rest tonight.  Bottom line...sometimes God makes us wait for peace.  It causes us to trust Him, to rely on Him alone, and to put our hope in Him.  My heart was apprehensive this week about surgery; but today, I was all over the place.  I prayed all day for peace, only to find my mind constantly chasing another rabbit trail.  There have been several times in the past 24 hours where I was close to pulling the plug on tomorrow.  Things just didn't feel "right" enough.

Would another set of circumstances be better?  Should we go back to our preferred team of doctors, even though it would be a later surgery date?  Should I scrap reconstruction and try to do it later down the road?  These were just a few of the questions giving my heart grief today and I battled uncertainty and fear.  

However, God has led us to this point.  At every other crossroad, there was a clear indication of which path to take.  And that road has led to doing surgery on this date, with these doctors, doing these particular procedures.  We have thought through, researched, and prayed through all of our decisions.  And ultimately, He is in control of all of it anyway!  He provided people in my life to listen and walk me through the valley today; and by the end of the day, that sense of peace finally came.  I'm learning that keeping my heart focused on Jesus is something I truly have to fight for, particularly in the midst of such uncertainty.

So, my surgery will be tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. at UC Hospital.  It will be a bi-lateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction (2nd stage will be after radiation).  I still feel a bit anxious about all that is coming, but I know grace will meet me there on that operating table tomorrow.  And in the coming weeks of recovery, He will continue to sustain me with that same unfailing grace.

Since my husband's birthday is the day after my surgery, some friends and I decided to throw a surprise party tonight for him.  This man is simply amazing to me, and I'm so grateful that he chose to walk through life with me.  I've always admired his attitude, his incredible faith in Christ, and his overall perspective on life.  These last several months have tested him in new ways, but none of these things about him have changed.  He's still the most joyful person I know, even when his wife has cancer.  So it was CRAZY fun to be able to bring so many of his friends together tonight to show him how much they love him too :)

We have such precious friends.  After a sweet time of prayer together, I feel settled and ready to go tomorrow.  Uncertainty still looms a bit, but I can rest knowing that I'm in the hands of a loving God who knows all things and calls us not to worry about the future.  

Thank you so much for praying!!  I will try to have someone post an update tomorrow after surgery is complete.