Ready or not...

Tomorrow marks another hurdle in my cancer treatment...surgery!!  It's after midnight, and I'm still up (mostly because I had to take advantage of the last available eating minutes until midnight, when I'm cut off :).  My heart is steady tonight, but today was a different story.

I would love to go into detail, but I really need to rest tonight.  Bottom line...sometimes God makes us wait for peace.  It causes us to trust Him, to rely on Him alone, and to put our hope in Him.  My heart was apprehensive this week about surgery; but today, I was all over the place.  I prayed all day for peace, only to find my mind constantly chasing another rabbit trail.  There have been several times in the past 24 hours where I was close to pulling the plug on tomorrow.  Things just didn't feel "right" enough.

Would another set of circumstances be better?  Should we go back to our preferred team of doctors, even though it would be a later surgery date?  Should I scrap reconstruction and try to do it later down the road?  These were just a few of the questions giving my heart grief today and I battled uncertainty and fear.  

However, God has led us to this point.  At every other crossroad, there was a clear indication of which path to take.  And that road has led to doing surgery on this date, with these doctors, doing these particular procedures.  We have thought through, researched, and prayed through all of our decisions.  And ultimately, He is in control of all of it anyway!  He provided people in my life to listen and walk me through the valley today; and by the end of the day, that sense of peace finally came.  I'm learning that keeping my heart focused on Jesus is something I truly have to fight for, particularly in the midst of such uncertainty.

So, my surgery will be tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. at UC Hospital.  It will be a bi-lateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction (2nd stage will be after radiation).  I still feel a bit anxious about all that is coming, but I know grace will meet me there on that operating table tomorrow.  And in the coming weeks of recovery, He will continue to sustain me with that same unfailing grace.

Since my husband's birthday is the day after my surgery, some friends and I decided to throw a surprise party tonight for him.  This man is simply amazing to me, and I'm so grateful that he chose to walk through life with me.  I've always admired his attitude, his incredible faith in Christ, and his overall perspective on life.  These last several months have tested him in new ways, but none of these things about him have changed.  He's still the most joyful person I know, even when his wife has cancer.  So it was CRAZY fun to be able to bring so many of his friends together tonight to show him how much they love him too :)

We have such precious friends.  After a sweet time of prayer together, I feel settled and ready to go tomorrow.  Uncertainty still looms a bit, but I can rest knowing that I'm in the hands of a loving God who knows all things and calls us not to worry about the future.  

Thank you so much for praying!!  I will try to have someone post an update tomorrow after surgery is complete.