When you pass through the waters...

Well, although I wish there were fun times to report, there just aren't any going on here right now!  This cycle of chemo seems to have hit with a heavier force, and I'm honestly just struggling at the moment.  The weakness and fatigue are extreme again, and I've spent the past two days in bed (which I try to avoid, if at all possible).  Eating and drinking are so difficult, and both need to occur for my body to manage this regiment.  All around, I'm just feeling the weight of this disease and treatment.  

On these days, when Bryan is managing the chaos of our kiddos and home, it's difficult not to feel alone and quite useless.  I want to participate in life...it's all around me!  The boys had their opening parade for their baseball season this morning (they are on the same team this year, which is WONDERFUL!), and I just couldn't muster up the strength.  They, of course, were ecstatic (with or without me there!) and came home to share all of the details with me.  The kids have had lots of visitors and playdates this week, which has been tremendously helpful and fun for them.  But, I can't help but long for those days when I could do it without the help.  When I could teach them, shop for them, cook for them, discipline them, manage a home for them, and seek to do it with joy.  I'm still seeking joy, but it's really in just enduring each day right now.

It will pass, I know.  These days, filled with my body's responses to the chemo, will give way to relief from some of the symptoms.  Hopefully in the next couple of weeks, I will hit a stride again and be able to join in some of the dance of life around me.  Until then, I know that this is part of the suffering that God has ordained for me to endure at the moment.  Will I choose to rest in Him, or will I just get restless?  I desire so much to grow in my understanding of who He is and what He desires to teach me through this time.  If you are praying for me, please pray that I would be faithful to pursue joy in the midst of these darker days.  Pray that I would see and enjoy Christ in new ways and that I would not become discouraged or feel alone.  And finally, please pray that I would be humbled and surrendered to the call He has placed on my life, whatever that may look like in daily life right now.

I've been clinging to these verses lately and find such comfort in these words...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:2-3)

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)