A New Chapter: Radiation

Tomorrow marks the beginning of another hurdle in the cancer journey...radiation.  I met with the radiation oncologist last Thursday and completed my simulation/set up.  One of my issues since surgery has been the mobility in my arms, particularly on my left side where the lymph nodes were removed.  I've been working on stretches for a few weeks, but when they laid me on the table to do my scans for set up, I still couldn't get my left arm up over my head into the sling.  They pulled and manipulated it and finally got it stable, but lying there for 10 minutes was so painful!

After that appointment, surprisingly, my arm felt a little better!  In fact, everything from surgery is feeling a whole lot better.  In my last post, I talked about the fact that recovery seemed to stall every few days.  I would feel better for a couple of days, only to relapse back into terrible pain that would shoot from up under my arms around to my shoulder blades.  It was awful, and I wasn't sure it was ever going to end!

For the past week, though, something has changed.  I'm still sore and my chest is tight, but the excruciating pain appears to have ceased!  My PT friend, Kim, said that when she worked on my arm last week, it seemed that perhaps scar tissue was beginning to form under my arm from the surgery, thus creating adhesions that needed to be broken.  I'm not sure if they were able to do some of that when they were manipulating my arm on the radiation table, or if I'm finally just really starting to heal, but I feel SO much better :)

It's been a REALLY busy week around here, but I'm grateful to be doing more (and in less pain when I'm doing it!).  Much of normal life has started to resume, and it's exhausting at this point!  I'm doing as much as I can and giving myself grace when I just can't go anymore.  And, with radiation starting tomorrow, that grace will have to continue.

From what I've been told, radiation is easy compared to chemo; but as the treatments progress, fatigue becomes much stronger.  It's also a daily treatment (M-F) for 5 weeks.  Since the facility is about 25 minutes away, it will likely be a noticeable interruption in our day during that time period.  However, the appointments will be short, and I'm going to try to do them early in the day so that it doesn't conflict too much with our daily activities.  As with everything else in the cancer bag, we'll adjust and learn the "new normal."

Thank you so much for your continual prayers.  If you could pray that radiation would begin smoothly tomorrow, that I'd be able to lift my arm enough (and not be in too much pain doing so), and that God would protect me and care for me during this next stage of treatment, that would be wonderful.  The goal of radiation in my case is to provide one last blast at the areas that were not affected by surgery (my chest wall, clavicle lymph nodes, and mammary lymph nodes).  They are going after anything at the microscopic level that may have been left behind after surgery and chemo.  Hopefully, that's nothing at this point, but it will give us reassurance that we've played all of our cards in order to fight this cancer.

The kids and I have been enjoying the first hints of fall for the past couple of weeks, and we've been quoting a very familiar Bible verse pretty frequently...

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24)   

Such a simple verse, but it's become quite profound around here.  When we see the blue sky and feel the warm sun shining down, we all can't help but feel so grateful for the gift of a day.  Our instructions are to "rejoice" and "be glad in it", so we're trying to do that whenever we can.  We made homemade applesauce yesterday morning, and Hailey commented how good it was to see me doing some of these things again.  It will feel so good to be back to full strength again soon!!

The "fruit" of our labor from apple picking :)

Lunch at one of our favorite parks!  The weather has been spectacular!

Well, maybe not on this day!  It rained through A.J.'s entire football game on Saturday.  The kids thought it was awesome.  We went with it :)

Be still, my heart.  This cutie snuck into bed with us and was still sleeping when I woke up.  I probably won't have many more moments like this to watch him sleep next to me.  He's growing up so fast!

Recovery and the Whisper of Fall

So, it's been a LONG time since my last post!!  Between the excitement of the new school year, our kids' new sports seasons, and a whole lot of leftover pain from my surgery, life has kept me quite occupied!  It's "kind of" a new normal, but not really :)

Surgery has proven to be really difficult on my body, and it has been a rather frustrating 6 weeks of recovery.  After the doctor removed my drainage tubes at 3 weeks post surgery, I was so excited!  The excruciating pain eased off so much, I was able to quit my narcotic pain meds, and I was overall feeling remarkably better.  Until...a week later when the doctor performed another fill to my expanders.  Um, let's just say that I had serious doubts as to whether or not I could handle this whole reconstruction process!  The pain, which is primarily centered under my arms and radiates around to my shoulder blades, can become unbearable with even one slight movement.  I'm honestly not sure what exactly is causing the pain, but my doctors keep reminding me that this surgery with reconstruction can be a terribly painful process for some time and that it will improve eventually.

The crazy thing for me is that it does temporarily improve!  I will have 3 or 4 really good days where my pain becomes just "uncomfortable."  I get a bit giddy and try to dive back into normal life head-first.  And, a few days later, I can't get out of bed again :)  General movement seems to help in those moments, and my PT friend has me doing exercises to loosen up those muscles in order to gain my mobility back, but I'm still having incredible pain fairly consistently.  So you can pray that it begins to subside on a more consistent basis, and that when it doesn't, that I would rest in the healing process and not become discouraged.

Despite the pain, I've been enjoying much of what this new fall season has ushered in!  The kids started school towards the end of August and began their Classical Conversations group last week.  This is our 4th year of homeschooling and attending our weekly CC class meetings, and the year has started off so well!  I was (as you can imagine) SO nervous about how this was all going to go, knowing that after going through chemo and surgery (and with radiation on the very-near horizon), there would be MUCH needed grace all around.

First Day of Classical Conversations 2015-2016

First Day of Classical Conversations 2015-2016

A.J.--2nd Grade

Eli--"Preschool"

Hailey--4th Grade

Landon--Kindergarten

As I was recovering this summer, I spend some time planning and really getting a vision for what I wanted this year to look like for the kids.  Hailey is in 4th grade, A.J. is 2nd grade, Landon is Kindergarten, and little Eli is just our sweet and crazy wild card :)  We love our CC group; and it gives the kids not only academic accountability, but wonderful friendships as well (not to mention the friendships it provides for their mama!!).  We meet once a week and continue our own studies at home for the remaining 4 days.  Although I knew it would be a difficult feat to get them there each week, try to help in their classrooms, and attempt to keep up in some way with their work, it was really a no-brainer that we would continue to participate through this crazy school-year.  These moms and their kids are a tremendous blessing for our family, and I know that when I get weary (and I will), we will have all kinds of help and encouragement to endure.

In examining my heart and my vision for the school-year, I quickly realized that it would be a very different year for all of us.  There would be obvious interruptions with my appointments and other aspects of my treatment plan.  There will be days that I just won't feel well.  My oncologist told me today that it will likely be about 6 months to a year before I will really feel like myself (oh, how I love waiting :).  Radiation may knock me further down.  However, how our family lives, moves, and breathes through this school-year is not dependent upon those things.  God is still in control, and He holds the details of our days.  We will accomplish what He desires...nothing more and nothing less.  I want this year to look different, and I want our family to continue to glean beautiful lessons that we've experienced through this storm.  Not just math, reading, and language arts lessons...although we will do those.  But they aren't the foundation that will build my children's hearts.  How we continue to walk with Christ--our responses to difficulties, our grace and forgiveness towards each other, our joy in learning something new--those are the things that I want to reign in our home this year.  And those are the things that I want my children to remember long after this is all over.

It took a bit of putting on my big girl pants, but we were finally able to start school a couple of weeks ago, surprisingly with very little struggle (which is honestly new for us!).  It's most certainly not perfect, but we are enjoying our time so far.  I think the world looks a bit different for everyone right now, and that's a really good thing.

Along with school, we've also been enjoying the fall sports that our family loves!  A.J. is playing flag football, and Hailey is loving volleyball right now.  Add in college football games on Saturdays and Fantasy Football tracking on Sundays, and we're a happy crew (there is a definite theme in a house with 3 boys...their sister can't help but join in too :).  Fall is absolutely one of our favorite times of year, and we are all so excited about apples, pumpkins, leaves, and cooler weather!!

Thank you so much for continuing to pray for our family.  There have been many times when I've just wanted to race ahead 6 months and be completely finished with all of this!  But then I would miss so much good.  Someone reminded me to be grateful that I can be doing all of these cancer treatments.  My body can handle them, and that is sadly not the case for everyone.  Hopefully this will be a distant memory someday.  Yet, I never want to forget these windows...these new little glimpses that allow me to see the world from a brand new angle.  I'm so grateful for those of you that have loved us so well and continue to encourage our hearts.  You truly are a "good and perfect gift, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." (James 1:17)

Here are a few more pictures to wrap up our summer!!

Sweet Eli celebrated his 3rd Birthday less than a week after my surgery.  I'm glad someone took pictures, because I have such little memory of the day :)

Oh, how we love cousins!!

One of our babysitters helped the kids make me a big sign and cookies.  Love the teenagers that God has placed in our children's lives to love on them! 

A night out with a few incredible "sisters" to celebrate the good news from surgery!

Over Labor Day weekend, my mom's entire family gathered for a Risinger Family Reunion.  EVERYONE was there, and it was awesome :)

Family apple picking on the first cool day.

"I've got it, Dad!!"

When my kind plastic surgeon came in to prep me for surgery, we had a fun chat about running experiences.  It was so comforting for him to remind me that I will be back to doing something I love before I know it :)

This is the Superman oncologist that helped to save my life :)  This doc is priceless, and I couldn't be more grateful for him and his fighting spirit!

Changed for Good

Tomorrow will mark the 3-week post-surgery point, and there hasn't been a whole lot to report!  The recovery from my surgery was supposed to last 4-6 weeks, but I assumed I would feel so much better by now.  Unfortunately, recovery has just been SLOW.  There is consistent pain throughout the day, but the nights have been incredibly difficult.  From the moment I get into bed until the next morning, I'm in pain that makes even small movements almost unbearable.  I wake frequently to shift ever so slightly, and my poor husband listens to my cries of constant discomfort throughout the night.

My mom has been coming early in the morning just to help push me out of bed, give me my next round of medications, and empty my drainage tubes.  It's been rather pathetic :)  However, once I get up and moving, particularly for the past few days, I've felt better and am getting more mobile around the house.  Praise God that I've had my precious mom here to help keep our home from completely biting the dust!  She's a gentle, yet firm presence for my children, and an unbelievable caretaker for both me and my home.  And honestly, I have just enjoyed spending time with her!  She encourages me when I'm prone to pity and makes me laugh when my medications makes me foggy and forgetful.  Laughter has always made the ickiness of cancer so much more bearable.

Hanging out with my mom at my Herceptin infusion :)

During my first appointment with the plastic surgeon, he was able to remove 2 of the 4 drains from my side, just under my arms.  When I saw him last week, I was SO hoping he would remove the other two as well.  Instead, he told me to take it easy, and I walked back to the car with two painful drains still hanging from my sides.  Today, however, it was a different story!  He removed the last two drains, which I am so excited about!!  Hopefully that will cut down on my pain and will be a much needed inconvenience removed.

We are still rejoicing with happy hearts from the news of my pathology report, so much so that I sometimes feel like this is the end of the road!  And then reality hits, and I realize there are still hurdles to jump.  Comparatively shorter and less difficult hurdles, yet obstacles that I'd really rather avoid.  After spending two hours in the infusion center yesterday, only to glance at my calendar to make my next appointment 3 weeks from now was a bleak reminder that my journey isn't over.  I will visit those sweet nurses and sit with my other cancer fighting comrades every 3 weeks for the next 6 months.  The baton has been passed from my surgical oncologist to both my plastic surgeon and my radiation oncologist for the remainder of my cancer treatments; and as much as I like both doctors, I'm not particularly excited to enter this last phase.  Reconstruction and radiation don't come without complication risks, so you can pray that both of those in tandem will go smoothly. 

Honestly, I'm just ready to feel like myself again.  I remember looking in the mirror when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and I looked so normal!  There were no symptoms, and I didn't feel sick at all.  Yet I knew that I was getting ready to dive into the abyss of cancer treatments, and it would change so much about me.  It didn't happen all at once, but one day I glanced at myself again in the mirror and the fear had become reality...I looked like I had cancer.  Those treatments had ravaged my body to a point where I hardly recognized myself in the mirror.  Now that the chemo and surgery part of my treatments are over, I'm ready for my hair to grow long again and for strength to return to my body.  And like almost everything else in this cancer journey, SLOW is the name of the game.  My hair is starting to grow back in, and I joke that I look like one of those little troll dolls from the 80's when I wake up in the morning (minus the florescent color :)  My blood counts are still on the low side, so my strength is still minimal.  And thanks to the pain from surgery, I spend much of the day feeling a bit useless.

As I shared some of these frustrations with Bryan last night, he reminded me that many of those things will return.  My hair will grow back, the pain will eventually subside, and the treatments will hopefully become a distant memory.  But I will be different.  Cancer has and will continue to mark me in ways that I may not even have a glimpse of yet, and I will be forever changed.  My heart has witnessed things through the lens of suffering that wouldn't have otherwise been seen, and I can't even begin to express my gratefulness for that.  As I wrote about in a previous post...God is making me new through a heartache like cancer, and it is overwhelming to see His love for me through each step of that process.  Those changes, which were once so painful in the beginning, have become welcomed reminders that He is good and faithful to complete His work in us.  He loves us enough to not leave us where we are, but continues to mold us each day for our good and for His glory.

One last thing...a while back, I asked you to pray for a few families in our church that were battling suffering.  I know they would covet your prayers now more than ever.  One man battling pancreatic cancer had received the heartbreaking news that they couldn't complete his whipple surgery because the cancer had spread from his pancreas to his liver.  He is continuing to bravely fight for his life as he endures endless chemo treatments.  The woman I mentioned is also literally fighting for her precious life as doctors try to keep up with the complications from her inoperable cancer.  I've spoken to both of these individuals recently, and it's breathtaking to hear of their love and trust in their Savior in the midst of such tragic pain.  They have learned the beautiful truth that suffering is not void of His goodness, and they are glorifying Him until their final breath.  Please pray that Christ would be near and would continue to comfort and encourage them.

"The faith of the Bible will never call you to deny reality in any way.  The faith of the Bible is so in awe of the grandeur and glory of God that it is able to look at the darkest of realities in life and not be afraid."  (Paul Tripp--New Morning Mercies)  

"And Give Him the Glory Great Things He Hath Done"

I've been recovering for a little over a week now from surgery, and I have to be honest...it's been so painful.  Between the mastectomy incisions, the axillary node biopsy, the drain insertions, and the tissue expanders, I'm never quite sure which part is hurting more!  We are still trying to figure out a combination of medications that makes it more comfortable, particularly through the night.  It WILL end (hopefully sooner, than later :)!!

However, we met with my surgeon this morning, and the news from my surgery could not be better.  I cannot believe I even get to write these words!  The pathology report showed NO cancer present in ANYTHING that was biopsied.  This means that both breasts, along with 10 lymph nodes that were removed on my left side contained not a trace of cancer when examined under the microscope, which is hands-down the BEST CASE scenario for my case!!  The left breast and lymph nodes contained "extensive stromal fibrosis with chronic inflammation...consistent with therapeutic effect," meaning my chemotherapy went in there and did EXACTLY what it was supposed to do to the cancer!  My risk of recurrence (local/regional and distant) is now significantly lower because there was a "complete pathological response" to the chemo.  My oncologist told me in the beginning that his goal was to get me cancer-free by surgery, and that's what he did!

We knew from the MRI I had back in June that the chemo had been working.  There were no longer any visible signs of the tumor on the scan.  However, it was still very possible that cancer cells were hiding amidst all of the calcifications, and they needed to remove those questionable areas in order to confirm a complete response to the treatment or not.  God has been so faithful through each step of this journey, and we knew He would continue to receive glory whether there were tears of joy or tears of sorrow with the results.  This time, we would be humbled and in awe that He saw fit to heal me.  Our surgeon nearly had tears right along with us and described this news as simply "awesome."

This was our ultimate desire, and we prayed desperately that cancer would be removed from my body.  But we knew this very easily could have gone the other way.  My tumor size, grade, type, and the fact that it had moved into my lymph system were risk factors that didn't weigh kindly in my favor.  Yet we rejoice in all that He has done and know that He continues to hold all of my days in His mighty hands.

This has been a tremendously difficult road to walk, and we are not quite at the finish line.  From everyone we have spoken with, there has been a consensus to still do radiation about 4-6 weeks from now.  Although there was no cancer on anything biopsied (which was in fact, awesome news!!), my surgeon still hesitated on calling me "cancer-free."  Because of the size of my original tumor and the fact that it had spread to lymph nodes, radiation will still likely be in the plan as one last means of battling the risk of recurrence in the lymph nodes, chest wall, or somewhere else distant.  We will know that decision once we meet again with the radiation oncologist.

We also need to complete my reconstruction, which if all goes well through radiation, should be finished about 3-6 months after my last radiation treatment.  The last little reminder of cancer will be my Herceptin infusion every 3 weeks until March 2016.  This is the targeted therapy component (for the Her2 positive status) of my chemotherapy regimen that they say has done most of the heavy lifting against my tumor.  Had I received my diagnosis 15-20 years ago, the outcome would have most likely been dreadfully different.  The chemo regimen I received (TCHP) is proving to be very successful in treating my type of cancer.

I will continue to post updates here as I progress towards the end of my treatments (there is a finish line that's almost in sight!).  Hopefully, normal life will resume sometime in the not so distant future :)  The Lord has opened my eyes to so many things through all of this, and my heart overflows with thankfulness...both for the works He has done and for the hands He has used to serve us.  These are the lyrics to a hymn that has been flowing through my mind this afternoon.  He has truly done great things...

To God, be the glory great things He hath done

So loved he the world that he gave us His Son

Who yielded His life our redemption to win,

And opened the life-gate that all may go in.

Refrain:

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,

Let the earth hear His voice,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,

Let the people rejoice;

Oh, come to the Father, through Jesus the Son,

And give Him the glory, great things He hath done.

Oh, perfect redemption, the purchase of blood,

To every believer the promise of God;

The vilest offender who truly believes,

That moment from Jesus a pardon receives.

Refrain

Great things He hath taught us, great things He hath done,

And great our rejoicing through Jesus the Son;

But purer and higher, and greater will be

Our wonder, our transport when Jesus we see.

Refrain

(Fannie Crosby: 1820-1915)

Home Sweet Home

Psalm 46 (ESV)

God is our refuge and strength, 
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved 
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
He utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us; 
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; 
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The Lord of hosts is with us; 
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I thought I would have a lot to say after coming home from surgery...so much has happened to my body in the past several days!  However, I've also been taking so much pain medicine that I hardly remember any of it!  In fact, I went to make a phone call to one of my doctors yesterday afternoon, and my mom informed me that I had already talked to her last Thursday when I was in the hospital.  My world is fuzzy and filled with these "dream-like" conversations, the result of the much needed medications to keep up with the intense pain.

On the day of surgery, God provided all of the peace and rest that I needed to face those uncertain moments.  I had meetings with all of my doctors that morning, and the fearful anticipation faded into determined strength as we went over each procedure.  It became so clear that we were with the right team of doctors, and that the Lord would hold my shaky hand each step of the way.

My brother came to the hospital before surgery to pray with Bryan, my mom, and myself and to read some scripture with us (including Psalm 46 above).  How comforting to know that I can "be still" before God.  To recognize His character and to find complete and total peace in Him.  My heart was restless up until the day before surgery.  But once it was time to go, I could rest that His plan for me was solid.  Would it mean that I would have no further pain or difficulty?  No.  Would it mean that things would work out in perfect order, just the way I planned them to?  No.  But could I trust in a powerful God who not only put this magnificent world in motion, but also cares deeply for each and every detail of my life?  Absolutely.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

The surgery was performed by a surgical oncologist (for the bi-lateral mastectomy and axillary lymph node dissection) and a plastic surgeon (to put in tissue expanders for reconstruction).  It lasted almost 7 hours, and I was told that everything went very well!  I had a very sweet nurse who apparently, according to my instructions, was not allowed to leave my side.  Early in my chemotherapy, my body had allergically reacted to one of my chemo drugs (my throat swelled up, and I couldn't breathe).  Although that didn't happen this time, I think that some of the anesthesia gave me a similar feeling when I woke up from surgery.  But she was wonderful, as were all of the nurses that cared for me during my time in the hospital.  It was an extremely painful few days and nights, and I was so grateful for such fantastic care from all of my doctors, nurses, and other assistants.

So, I've been home now since Friday evening, and it's just been crazy foggy and painful!!  I will be seeing my plastic surgeon and his team later this afternoon and will see my surgical oncologist on Friday.  We should have pathology results back when we meet with our doctor on Friday.  Hopefully my body is beginning to heal and things will be moving in a good direction soon!  Thank you so much for all of your prayers for us.  You can pray, specifically for my mom and Bryan, as they are the people that are caring the most for me on a daily basis right now.  Pray for strength, patience, and energy as they care for not only me, but our sweet kiddos as well.  Pray, also, that I would not get discouraged with the pain, but would endure and "fix my eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2)

My sweet nurse, Angie, took care of me for the final round before I came home.   

Ready or not...

Tomorrow marks another hurdle in my cancer treatment...surgery!!  It's after midnight, and I'm still up (mostly because I had to take advantage of the last available eating minutes until midnight, when I'm cut off :).  My heart is steady tonight, but today was a different story.

I would love to go into detail, but I really need to rest tonight.  Bottom line...sometimes God makes us wait for peace.  It causes us to trust Him, to rely on Him alone, and to put our hope in Him.  My heart was apprehensive this week about surgery; but today, I was all over the place.  I prayed all day for peace, only to find my mind constantly chasing another rabbit trail.  There have been several times in the past 24 hours where I was close to pulling the plug on tomorrow.  Things just didn't feel "right" enough.

Would another set of circumstances be better?  Should we go back to our preferred team of doctors, even though it would be a later surgery date?  Should I scrap reconstruction and try to do it later down the road?  These were just a few of the questions giving my heart grief today and I battled uncertainty and fear.  

However, God has led us to this point.  At every other crossroad, there was a clear indication of which path to take.  And that road has led to doing surgery on this date, with these doctors, doing these particular procedures.  We have thought through, researched, and prayed through all of our decisions.  And ultimately, He is in control of all of it anyway!  He provided people in my life to listen and walk me through the valley today; and by the end of the day, that sense of peace finally came.  I'm learning that keeping my heart focused on Jesus is something I truly have to fight for, particularly in the midst of such uncertainty.

So, my surgery will be tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. at UC Hospital.  It will be a bi-lateral mastectomy with the first stage of reconstruction (2nd stage will be after radiation).  I still feel a bit anxious about all that is coming, but I know grace will meet me there on that operating table tomorrow.  And in the coming weeks of recovery, He will continue to sustain me with that same unfailing grace.

Since my husband's birthday is the day after my surgery, some friends and I decided to throw a surprise party tonight for him.  This man is simply amazing to me, and I'm so grateful that he chose to walk through life with me.  I've always admired his attitude, his incredible faith in Christ, and his overall perspective on life.  These last several months have tested him in new ways, but none of these things about him have changed.  He's still the most joyful person I know, even when his wife has cancer.  So it was CRAZY fun to be able to bring so many of his friends together tonight to show him how much they love him too :)

We have such precious friends.  After a sweet time of prayer together, I feel settled and ready to go tomorrow.  Uncertainty still looms a bit, but I can rest knowing that I'm in the hands of a loving God who knows all things and calls us not to worry about the future.  

Thank you so much for praying!!  I will try to have someone post an update tomorrow after surgery is complete.

Final Plans and a Settling of Hearts

Wow...it feels like a long time since I've posted any updates!!  I'm so sorry to have left some of you hanging in regards to my surgery date!  Up until last Friday, we still didn't have a concrete date set, which was very unsettling for me.  Again, we had originally had a lumpectomy scheduled for July 14th.  So to go this long being under no surgeon's "official" care left me feeling a bit like I was trying to swim in the crashing ocean waves all by myself.

I knew that once chemo was complete, there would probably be some hurdles of the heart to jump over.  Like I said before, chemo was oh so difficult, but there was a task at hand.  ENDURE.  Although that was hard for me to do at times, I could keep my eyes focused on the goal (which was always just to get through that particular round of treatment).  Once those treatments were over, then we would have to face the cancer part again.

Talking with the other surgeons was very informative and helpful, and we had decided on a plan of action with one of those individuals.  We had also met with the plastic surgeon (for reconstruction) as well as the radiation oncologist that were part of that group.  I finally felt like there was a team of doctors (my medical oncologist was also part of this group) working together to give me the best possible outcome.  We were good to go until...we heard the earliest surgery date.  August 24th.  It was still over a month away, and it would be 9-weeks total since chemo had been finished. My heart sank.

These past couple of weeks have held some of the most difficult moments for me thus far in the cancer journey.  To be finished with one course of treatment, knowing we still had more obstacles to complete but without a solid plan, created a fearful shakiness in my heart.  It was a state of limbo, and I didn't know how to feel.  The emotions were flowing rampantly as I processed my next steps.  On the one hand, I was BEYOND grateful to be finished with chemo!!  However, I knew it would still be months before I felt good enough to go about my "normal" life.  Fear gripped my heart as I pondered the dreaded cancer cells, wondering if they would really ever get it all.  I've been told that I have several "high-risk" factors in regards to my cancer...could this ever possibly turn out in my favor?  Because cells can metastasize without showing up on scans, was it only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped?

So when they gave me a surgery date of August 24th, I felt as though I had hit a literal wall.  Between 18 weeks of gut-wrenching chemotherapy, countless appointments with doctors and specialists, plans that seemed to shift every few days, and the thought of another month without surgery, I felt like quitting.  I went upstairs, got in bed, put the covers over my head, and cried.

These are the darker moments that all of us go through.  It may be cancer, the death of a loved one, a failed relationship, or any other myriad of difficult circumstances that bring us to our knees.  No matter the outward appearance we display for the world to see, we all have (or will) face the deep throes of suffering at some point in our lives.  And we all come to that point when we pull the covers up over our head and simply cry out for relief.

The most wonderful news, is that because of Jesus Christ, we don't have to stay there.  Our suffering is real, but it doesn't gain victory over us.  The sun came up the next morning, and I pulled myself back out of bed to face the day.  And I remembered that none of these details are outside of the knowledge and realm of a loving God.  He knew that this month would present new challenges that would buckle my knees.  He has a plan for history that is moving towards the return of Christ, and I am just a small part of that ultimate plan.  Yet he cares deeply for each detail of my life.  And he calls me to trust Him, in spite of what I see happening around me.  These verses from Habakkuk feel so relevant...

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines, 

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord; 

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)

We had asked the other surgeon who had given us another opinion to pencil in a surgery date for me as well, just in case.  Thankfully, the date they had given us was August 5th.  So we called her to make sure that was still an option, and we contacted our friend up at Sloan Kettering once again (this sweet and brilliant friend of my husband's has been a tremendous blessing and constant source of cutting edge information for us!!).  He consulted his colleagues, and all of them overwhelmingly agreed that I needed to take the earlier surgery.  This would mean meeting with another plastic surgeon and radiation oncologist, and moving out of the umbrella with my oncologist that the other team would have provided.  However, after hearing the recommendation from our friend in New York, we knew it was the right direction to go.

So...here we are!!  The final plan will be for me to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction on Wednesday, August 5th.  There was some variation in the two plastic surgeon's approaches to reconstruction; but we are going to do the first part at the time of surgery and the rest a few months after radiation.  Radiation will begin 4-6 weeks after surgery.

The surgeon will also be doing an axillary lymph node dissection to address the cancer in the lymph nodes prior to chemo.  We have learned that things have been a bit more complicated because my cancer required chemo treatments PRIOR to surgery (NAC...neoadjuvant chemotherapy).  The axillary lymph node dissection involves them removing all of my lymph nodes on the one side.  Apparently, having chemo before surgery can create difficulty in doing a less invasive sentinal node biopsy to check lymph nodes (when they test only 1-2 lymph nodes and use those to determine the presence of cancer in all nodes).  There are side effects with this process that can be permanent, such as lymphodema, which makes me nervous.  However, we are grateful that they will not risk leaving any cancer behind in the additional lymph nodes.

I'm wrapping my brain around everything, and I'm grateful that we have a solid plan.  I would have certainly preferred the less complicated (and less painful) lumpectomy with the sentinal node biopsy that the first surgeon had recommended :)  However, after learning so much in the past month about all of these issues, I feel so much more comfortable about the approach these doctors are taking.  And ultimately, we are rejoicing in the fact that according to my MRI, the chemo appears to have been very effective in treating my tumor and lymph nodes!

We actually had a wonderful weekend, and I'm feeling so much better!!  I will post some pictures and share some of the good things going on (there are always good things, even when I want to quit :) in the next few days.  Thank you SO much for continuing to pray for our whole family.  I've learned that it's a marathon, and we appreciate you running this very long race beside us!!

We had the best weekend as a family...more details to come :)