Life Goes On...

So, it's now almost 2 weeks post chemo treatment, and the days are getting better again!!  Those first 9-10 days after treatment are honestly just not fun.  And for a good 4-5 of those days, I'll be honest, it's just bad. There's the nausea (which is like a constant car sickness feeling) that never really goes away.  But for those first 9-10 days, it's overwhelming.  The fatigue wipes my body out in a way I've never experienced before.  The Neulasta shot that I get the day after chemo (which causes my body to make more white blood cells) gives me bone pain.  My appetite is almost non-existent, and just eating and drinking is one of my "chores" for the day (but I'm definitely drinking...no more dehydration, please :).  There are other issues too, all of which make me so grateful that I'm now almost 1/3 of the way through chemo!!

I share that because I know that so many people want to know how to pray for me.  And during those days when I feel so lousy, it's hard to even write an update.  The great news is that around that 9-10 day mark, my blood cell count begins to rebound, and I start to feel better.  And in comparison, it's SO much better.  The nausea is still always lurking in the background, and I wear out much more easily, but I almost feel back to normal Jen :).  I will have my 3rd treatment on April 20, so I still have a whole week to enjoy that gift!!

The other difficulty in those first couple of weeks post chemo is that life, unfortunately and fortunately, goes on.  Cancer doesn't change the fact that I have four little people here that depend on me to be their mama.  They understand that Mommy is sick and can't do everything right now, and they are so sweet and helpful (most of the time).  But arguments still occur, attitudes come bubbling over, and I'm convinced that my 2-year old has completely declared war on anyone who wants to challenge his "authority."  "Stop it, mama!" and "Eli in charge" are his new favorite phrases.  There are certainly times that Bryan and I feel like it's all unraveling at the seams.  And there are just those moments that I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I was sharing these struggles with someone a couple of weeks ago, and the person said something that has resonated with me so often since.  I talked about my frustrations and feeling so incapable to do anything about the chaos around me.  The person responded that although it may feel out of control, it's not.  And that control that I thought I had before was just an illusion.  You see, as a mom (who just happens to have a slightly, and when I say "slightly," I mean very Type-A personality).  I work so hard to keep things under control in our home.  And really, it's not just with my home and my kids, it's in everything.  I think we all like to think we are in control of what happens to us.  That if we can just organize a little better, micromanage our kids a little more, and do everything we "should" be doing, things will go well.  I'm learning very quickly that that just isn't the case, and honestly, I'm grateful.

I'm so relieved to know that what happens to my kids is not dependent on my "success" as their mom. My role right now as their mom looks a bit different.  They have other adults who are stepping in and loving them and caring for some of their needs.  Their routine is a bit shaky, and we aren't able to discipline for every little slip-up they make.  But they have a God who loves them deeply and has their future in His hands.  He is the one who is in control, not me.  That's humbling, yet exactly what I need to give me peace in the midst of the storm.  Instead of checking things off my to-do list each day, my role with them is to show them the love of Christ.  It's to endure this trial with joy, allowing them to see God work in the midst of suffering.  

So, I'm gearing up for a good week!!  You can pray for Bryan and the older 3 kids, as they leave tomorrow for a 2-day trip to Camp Kern with our Classical Conversations group.  The kids are SO excited for their first trip to camp, and I will be hanging back with Eli (who, by the way, has learned how to sing, "Jesus Loves Me," and the cuteness is ALMOST enough to balance his tyrant side right now!).  Thank you, so much, for continuing to lift our family up in prayer to the God who sees each and every need before we do.  We love you all so much!!

These sweet kiddos are so excited to go to Camp Kern in the morning!!