Fathers Day and Chemo #6 Tomorrow!!

It's after midnight, but my mind can't seem to rest tonight!  I am gearing up for Chemo #6 in the morning...my FINAL chemo treatment!!  I'm so relieved that this last one has finally arrived!  Thank you so much for praying me through all of these very difficult weeks!!

If you could pray, not only for tomorrow's infusion, but also for my appointment with my oncologist.  I'm still feeling a bit unsettled after the meeting with my surgeon.  We have some difficult decisions to make, and I want to make sure that I am fully informed before making them.  My oncologist has always been so helpful in explaining my cancer, treatments, etc.., so I am hoping that he will be able to shed some light on the many questions flowing through our minds.

We had a wonderful Father's Day weekend, both with Bryan and my dad (hopefully we will be able to celebrate with my sweet father-in-law soon!!).  On Saturday, we took the kids to see "Inside Out," which was exciting (except for the parts when Eli got stuck in his chair and when he kept accidentally hitting the man in front of us while he ran back and forth between Bryan and I asking for more candy...someday, family movie outings will probably be more fun :).  We celebrated with my dad last night over dinner, and the kids and I made Bryan french toast for breakfast and took him out to lunch after church today.

We have some pretty incredible dads in our lives around here, and it was precious time spent enjoying them.   They love the Lord and lead their families in such selfless, admirable ways.  I am so grateful that God has given me my earthly father to encourage me through all of life's joys and challenges and sets such an example as a godly parent.  My father-in-law, Jim, is also such a blessing and has loved me as a daughter as long as I've known him!

And God knew that in raising little ones, Bryan would be the perfect one to dance through the minefields with me (yes...it's an Andrew Peterson reference, for those of you know him :).  Through our recent challenges, he has been a rock for our family...never complaining that he has to work all day and come home to fill in all of the gaps with me being sick, staying up late reading to the kids because he knows they need extra love and attention right now, and extending them extra grace when they get out of hand.  When everything seems to be spinning out of control around here, I look at Bryan to find him smiling at me.  He knows that the One who drew us together in marriage is the same One who walk with us through life's difficult days.  Bryan extends more love, kindness, patience, and joy to others than anyone I've ever met.  He is a constant source of encouragement to everyone in this home, and we love him so very much!

So, along with Father's Day, here are some fun pictures from the past couple of weeks...

My friend, Melanie, spent the entire day with my kiddos.  She took them to VBS in the morning and swimming for the afternoon.  Not only that, she took them for the whole evening too so that Bryan and I could have a date!!  We have such selfless friends...

We got together with my friend, Anna, and her family for dinner last week.  Lots and lots of great parenting chats :)

My mom gets to spend a LOT more time with me these days (her days as a nurse are coming in very handy :)!

Dear friends of mine had a little "Last Chemo" celebration for me.  These were the late night gals...I wish we had gotten a picture earlier of everyone!  Most of these girls watched Bryan shave my head back in March, and it was awesome to have them there to cheer me on for this last treatment!

"Fancy" dinner at the dining room table...Landon isn't too impressed :)

Went to see "Insdie Out" with the kiddos!

Father's Day lunch out with Bryan and the kids :)

My sweet dad and I...love and admire this man so much!

Next steps...

It has been an exhausting day at our house.  Papaw Robbins stayed with the kids (which was so fun for them to wake up to :) while Bryan, my mom, and I headed down early this morning to my appointment with Dr. Hernandez.  Everyone was unsure of how to prepare themselves.  Would we be getting any bad news today?  Would the information be clear?  Should we be worried?  We settled our hearts a bit by listening to a Tim Keller sermon on the way down.  He talked about God's covenant with His people, and his words were like balm to my restless soul.

My appointment began with a mammogram, and it was strikingly similar to my very first appointment back in February.  The same radiologist that had delivered the original devastating news was even there to read my report today (although, sadly, I didn't get to talk to her today).  My next stop was the meeting with Dr. Hernandez.

Again, none of us was sure of what to expect.  We knew that we would probably leave without all of our questions answered.  But we weren't even sure of the questions we would ask when given the opportunity.  We were trusting that God would be sovereign over the meeting and that we would leave with the information that we needed to take the next step.

As usual, Dr. Hernandez's bedside manner was wonderful, as was her knowledge.  I think it can be so difficult for doctors (surgeons, in particular) to convey and explain medical information at a level that makes sense to a lay person.  They see these things every day and have such an understanding and skill set in their field.  For me, when the cancer talk begins, I feel like time stands still.  I hear words, but I really have no idea of what to do with them or how to process any of them.  Dr. Hernandez explained everything, we all asked a few questions, and it was over.  I kept thinking that I needed to ask more questions, but I was unable to even formulate my thoughts into words.

We scheduled my surgery...July 14th...and we went home.  Most of the information we received seemed good; but for some reason, my heart ached.  I wanted solid, clear-cut answers, and that was just not something we were handed today.  My head was spinning as we were greeted by our kids asking us a million questions and wanting to tell us about their time with Papaw.  My parents left, Bryan got ready to leave for work, and I wept.

I couldn't exactly explain why I cried.  There have been so many times during the past few months that I have watched people cry tears for me, and my eyes have remained dry.  I've handled some of those big things with a sense of peace and confidence, but it's the little things that seem to knock me off my feet.  Things that would seem routine sneak up on me and bring with them a flood of emotions when I least expect it.

After some rest (as much as could be experienced with 4 kids, right ;) and some time to get perspective, I feel a little better equipped to understand much of our conversation with the surgeon.  I'll try to convey that here as much as possible...

The WONDERFUL news is that the mammogram and the exam revealed that the tumor has shrank significantly with the chemo!!  The tumor was originally 5.5 cm, and what now appears on the mammogram is 4 cm of calcifications.  Whether or not any of that is cancer, the doctor could not answer.  If it had been 5 cm, she would have recommended a mastectomy, but because it was 4 cm, she would like to try a lumpectomy.  This would mean that she would go in and remove the area of calcifications and try to get clear borders surrounding them.  She would also remove lymph nodes, using a radioactive dye during the process to determine how many seemed questionable/necessary to remove.  Everything would be sent to pathology, and hopefully all would come back clean.  The next step (a month later) would be about 4-6 weeks of radiation, which would require daily short appointments with significantly fewer side effects.  Regardless of what we do, I will continue to receive an infusion of Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year.

My other option is to go ahead with a mastectomy, which would be a more difficult surgery and recovery.  Because of my cancer type and tumor grade, they decided that I needed to do chemotherapy before surgery.  Had I done surgery first, I would have needed a mastectomy.  But because the chemo seems to have been effective in shrinking the tumor, it is now most likely not a necessity.

During the appointment, I kept thinking that a mastectomy seemed like the safer option in terms of removing all of the cancer.  I just want it to be gone, and I certainly don't want it to return!  In hindsight though, I think the doctor is trying to save me from going through a more difficult surgery and believes that radiation will be more effective at killing the remaining cancer (should there still be any after surgery).  With the lumpectomy, she is not sure she will be able to get all of the margins the first time and may have to go back in again.  But she would rather start with the least invasive method first and see if it will be effective.

The other thing I asked about was doing scans afterward to make sure there was no cancer anywhere else in my body.  Surprisingly, she said that we would not do more CT scans or a PET scan.  We would assume the best unless I develop any other symptoms.  This is where things get difficult for me, and I realize that the cancer road may be a long one.  From what I understand, you are not declared "cancer-free" for five years.  I haven't researched, nor have I talked about my prognosis with anyone really, not even my doctors.  I've never felt like it would be helpful to know those details.  Today, I realized that my trust in God's providence is not over when my chemo is done.  It's not over when they wheel me out of surgery.  And it's not finished with my last radiation appointment and a final scan declaring me "cancer-free."  That's the plan that I wanted to hear today.  Let's get it all and go home...end of story.  And it very well may go just like that !  But I have no idea what my future looks like, nor do I have any control over the cells in my body.  As a good friend pointed out today, no one does.  None of us knows the number of our days.  During the days and weeks before my cancer diagnosis, I had no idea of what was brewing beneath the surface.  I would have considered myself totally healthy!  What gives me rest tonight is that God holds each of my days in His mighty hands.  He knows each cell in my body and what it's doing.  He knows all of my breaths.  And He's known it all before the beginning of time.

So after the haze of this crazy exhausting day, I can take the next step.  I don't have to worry about what's ahead of that one.  Grace will meet me there.  Only this day is before me, and I can choose live it fully and joyfully.  There is such freedom in that.  While I was resting this afternoon, I read my devotional, which included the following verse.  In light of everything, there could not have been more perfect words for me to see...

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Prayers for Tomorrow...

I know I wrote that I would be posting 3 things that I'm grateful for each day...and then I realized that I could be grateful and still not find the time to post about it!  So, I'm thinking of many things, they just aren't making their way to the computer :)  I still intend to post these things when I'm able!  This week has been busy, and I've hit my Week 3 groove again (which basically means that I wear myself out a bit too much each day, but try not to care :).

Tomorrow marks another step in the cancer road, and I would ask for your prayers tonight and in the morning.  I meet with my surgeon at 7:15 a.m. to discuss surgery and my next steps towards healing.  The appointment will begin with a mammogram, followed by time with Dr. Hernandez.  My hope is that we will have a much clearer picture of the days and weeks ahead after this appointment, although I assume that I will have to be content with some details being left unknown.

My heart is a bit nervous as I face this next part of the process.  Chemo is a road that is characterized by so many physical struggles, but it's a battle that I know pretty well at this point.  There is a shaky rhythm in it that I've learned, and I feel a bit safe knowing that the chemo is (hopefully) doing it's job.  Surgery, radiation, scans...that's when I have to start hearing the "cancer talk" again.  But my God has sustained my heart through each hill and valley thus far, and I know He will meet me again through the lonely night and into the morning.  His faithfulness truly never fails.

Thank you so much for loving and encouraging me as well.  Hopefully we will receive good news tomorrow and have a solid game plan that I can report on tomorrow evening!

We had lunch today with my mom, my sister and her family today.  This picture with my sweet niece, Cami, just makes me smile tonight :)

Grateful for Grace #3

1.)  I'm grateful that my children were able to attend Vacation Bible School at our church this week.  Five days of fun, laughter, and most importantly, God's beautiful Word being poured out over them.  The adults and teens who served our children this week are amazing, and we are so blessed to be a part of a church that trains up our young people so well!  Not to mention that fact that each day our kids came home, it was "the best day they've ever had!!"

Sweet Hailey's class (she's right in the middle with the headband on).

A.J. giving it his all at Tug-o-War!!

The kids had their end of the week performance tonight!  Eli is in the yellow shirt on the left, and Landon is in the green-striped shirt on the right.  It was adorable!

2.)  I'm grateful for our front porch :)  Seriously, I will not know what to do if we ever move and don't have a front porch any longer (especially since it's where we eat most of our meals in the summertime!).  As a family, we've spent countless hours laughing, eating, watching the rain, reading and drinking hot cocoa with a blanket under the haven of our porch.  I've had quiet times long before my family wakes up, and Bryan and I have spent many a night dreaming of our future together on our porch.  It is simply wonderful.

3.)  I'm grateful that Week 3 is coming in my chemo cycle!  I feel like I'm rounding 3rd and am heading for home!!  I've been dragging this week, but I'm feeling like I'm on the upswing now.  I'm looking forward to a week with more energy, time with friends and family, and (Lord willing, hopefully my appetite cooperates!) some yummy food :)

Grateful for Grace #2

1.)  I am grateful that I felt strong enough yesterday to get out!  And where better to go than one of your favorite ice cream spots in the middle of the afternoon?!  My kids thought Grandma was joking when she told them to get their shoes on and that we were going to The Twist!  Such sweet summer bliss that was good for the soul :)

2.)  I'm grateful for God's beautiful, life-breathing, glory-revealing Word.  I saw this video yesterday, and it was so fantastic that I wanted to share it here.  The Bible is how we know our God.  And, "He satisfies us completely and forever with words, His words."  If you have the chance to watch this, you will be SO encouraged!

http://www.desiringgod.org/run?fb_action_ids=704442255663&fb_action_types=og.shares

3.)  I'm grateful for the woman that God has given me the privilege of calling Mom.  When we found out the devastating news that I most likely had cancer, my mom's words to me were, "Jennifer, I will pick up every piece that falls for you."  She knew that my life before cancer was full...that raising these four precious children was a job that filled my plate each and every day.  She knew that I would need things like her wisdom, her endurance, and her kindness to aid me in this battle.  And not a piece has fallen :)  This amazing woman has helped keep this home running, has loved my kids so well, has carted them back and forth to camps, VBS, Kings Island, and the pool.  She's come to almost every doctor's appointment and chemo treatment and has made sure that I'm always comforted with clean sheets, medicine, and a Gatorade nearby.  My love and gratefulness for this woman could never be fully expressed with words.

Grateful for Grace #1

Well, friends...I'm into the second week of my chemo recovery.  These are the rough days, the ones where the minutes and hours tick by ever so slowly.  My body is weak, I feel nauseous most of the time, and forcing myself to eat and drink with tormented taste buds and a non-existent appetite is literally painful.  However, I am writing today because there is so much good that God is doing...

I was lying in bed at 2:00 a.m. after waking, and I was overwhelmed with the little treasures that God is gracing my life with, even during this time of affliction.  You know that feeling you get when you hold a moment in for a bit, and you think you will never forget it?  And then alas, you do.  Days, weeks, and months pass, and those seemingly defining moments get a bit foggy.  You vaguely remember the joyful emotion, but it's harder to grasp your thoughts that once seemed so clear.

Preparing for Chemo #5 was oh so difficult for me.  I was weary, spent, and quite honestly wanted to run and hide.  Yet, I now feel strengthened and energized, ready to face these next several weeks.  And, praise God, He is giving me a spirit of gratefulness that I want to remember and hold fast to when the storms of suffering seek to level me.

So I'd like to use this space not only as a record for myself and a way to communicate our circumstances to family and friends, but as a place to store those moments that I don't want to forget.  I struggle with what to write sometimes, particularly on the days when I'm too sick to think about anything else.  But there are always tidbits of joy...ALWAYS.  They slip away so quickly and tend to get lost in the fog of my current conditions.  Fighting for joy must involve gratitude on my part.

As I was lying in bed in the middle of the night, I could think of a whole list of things I was so grateful for in my day!  Those silver linings, the beautiful graces that God had given me to encourage my heart.  The amazing thing was the joy that rushed over me as I pondered those things.  The gratefulness truly produced joy, even though I had been through a pretty rough day, physically speaking.

I'm rambling :)  What I'd ultimately like to do is to try to list three things each day that have brought me joy.  Nothing earth shattering, nothing formal...just three things that brought me gratitude for the grace of God (some days it may be difficult to stick to three...a few more may sneak in :).  Some of those things may seem insignificant or even silly, some may be more rich and profound.  But I think it will do wonders for my spirit on those long-suffering days when joy is just difficult to choose.  It will also, hopefully, give you a glimpse into more of the little details of our day that really are so sweet.

So here goes...

1.)   I'm grateful that the past creates a bond between siblings that you have with no one else.  If you grew up in the 80's and 90's, this might include some seriously (cheesy) awesome choices in TV shows.  Bryan and I were watching TV last night and discovered ME-TV (we have no cable, so it was just through our antenna!).  Saved by the Bell: the College Years (can I get an "oh, yeah"?) came on and Bryan just didn't get it.  I immediately texted those two other people who raced to the TV with me in their pj's on Saturday mornings to inhale some Zach, Kelly, and A.C. Slater!  What fun to text back and forth about a sweet childhood memory we share and to go back in time for a moment :)

2.)  I'm grateful for the sweet family at church that sent us a video about Joni Erickson Tada's battle with Stage 3 breast cancer.  Joni is a quadriplegic who was paralyzed in a diving accident at the age of 17.  In her 50's now, she shares her journey through a devastating breast cancer diagnosis, in the midst of her additional struggles as a quadriplegic.  A friend took my kids on Friday, and I popped in this video for the afternoon.  Tears soaked my face as I listened to this amazing testimony of a woman who continues to love the Lord through a suffering so very similar to my own.  I highly recommend it if you have battled this disease or know anyone who has (and you know me :).  The links are below if you are interested, and you can also order the whole DVD at that site...

Cancer - Joni's Journey: Part 1 | Joni and Friends

Cancer - Joni's Journey: Part 2 | Joni and Friends

3.)  I'm grateful for time this past week to read a fantastic book!  If you haven't read "Unbroken," by Laura Hillenbrand, go get started now!  It's the story of Louis Zamperini, the Olympic athlete who was taken captive as a POW in Japan during WWII.  I'm probably a bit behind to the party because I never saw the movie that came out last year.  But the book is SOOOOOOO good, and how timely and appropriate to read it during this stage of chemo treatments.  I needed some lessons on endurance, and there are few better places I can think to find them than through the life of this incredible man.

4.)  I know, I said three things, but I had to add this one as well today :)  I'm so grateful for my friend and mentor, Karen, and her willingness to take me to get fluids yesterday.  Her family has been a part of my husband's life for almost two decades, and mine for over one.  She is a precious gem of a woman, and she has invested so much into my life, teaching me how to love the Lord and to be faithful to Him through both joys and sorrows.  Her example and testimony is beautiful, and I know countless others who would say the same :)

Chemo #5 Complete!!

Chemo # 5 is in the books!  It was a fairly typical chemo day, although my usual nurse was on vacation and my mom needed to watch my kids today.  So it was just Bryan and I living it up in the chemo room :).  Two of my sweet friends also joined in for some of the party!  Love these girls so much and enjoyed their company!

The oncologist talked with us a little bit about next steps after chemo.  I've scheduled a pre-surgical appointment with Dr. Hernandez (my surgeon), and the two of them will work together to formulate a plan for surgery.  BRCA1 and BRCA2 test results revealed that I have no genetic mutation that caused the cancer, which was great news!  Had those results come back positive, the cancer would have likely returned and a double mastectomy would have been our definite course of action.  Now, it will depend more on scans and the surgeon's recommendations.  If it's determined that a lumpectomy will be successful, I will be doing radiation following the surgery.  With a mastectomy, radiation may possibly be avoided.  That will just depend on the results of the biopsies they do during surgery and any other scans that they perform.  I will know more details after my meeting with the surgeon on June 17th, but it's nice to have a bit of a view of what will soon be coming our way!

Thank you, again, so much for praying for us through this long journey!  Your endurance in walking faithfully beside us is encouraging me to keep the good fight as well!  Below is a quote that was included in our church bulletin yesterday.  Tears streamed down my face as I read it and thanked God for providing me that little glimpse of His great love for me....that He would give me such perfect words on a morning when I desperately needed His strength and provision.  Hopefully it will encourage you as well, whatever you may be facing!

"It is true I have a difficult task, but God is all-sufficient, to whose almighty protection I humbly commit myself.  I give to Him my soul and body to be disposed and worn out in His labours as He shall think meet.  I do hence resolve, by His assistance...to lead a stricter life than ever, to give myself to prayer and the study of the Scriptures...God give me my health, if it be His blessed will...I give myself wholly to Him!"   (George Whitefield)