This time last year, Bryan and I were in Nashville celebrating. When we went to Cancun on our honeymoon back in 2004, we declared that we would make another trip back for our 10-year anniversary. 10 years came and went by so very quickly, and last year would have been that milestone trip back to paradise! But alas...with kids and schedules, money and priorities, we needed a backup plan for our carefree spa excursion :) A few days down to the beautiful city of Nashville, TN would have to suffice!
It was a wonderful anniversary getaway, filled with lots of fun with my very best friend in the world. We ate at cute restaurants, shopped in quaint little stores, listened to talented bands along the downtown strip, and even scored a lottery spot to attend a session at the Bluebird Cafe (which for any of you fans of the show, Nashville, was fantastic!!). We had sweet talks about what we wanted the next 10 years of our future to look like...where did we want to be living, what new hobbies could we take up once we were through with the "little people" stage, how could we make Christ more known through our marriage and family?
In all of that beautiful dreaming, we never talked about the one thing that was on the horizon for us. We would have never even guessed that it was coming. Life was good! We were moving along, enjoying the scenery. We were out of the sleepless haze of babies (which, we really had been in for about 8 years!) and enjoying the ages of our kids. It seemed that we could breathe a bit easier, take a few more excursions, and enjoy the new stage that our family was entering. Little did we know that 8 months later, God would reveal new plans for us. Plans that didn't involve ease and comfort, but instead, difficulty and pain.
As Bryan and I celebrate 11 years together today, I look at this picture and see such joy on our faces! A lifetime of memories to make, and such young excitement for all that lies ahead. When we took our vows that evening in the church that we still attend today, we promised to walk through life together...and that meant both joys and sorrows. All of us would say that we want the good stuff...bring on the fun, the excitement, the happy memories. Let's save all of that heartache, sickness, and suffering for another day.
And yet, here we are in the midst of cancer. This place of uncertainty, of pain, yet not void of goodness. You see, even in this seemingly tragic event in our marriage, Bryan and I have a hope for tomorrow. Our marriage was never about serving ourselves, and it was only partly about serving each other. We know that God brought our lives together in order to serve Him and to bring Him glory. And that is possible, whether our circumstances are blissful or tragic.
From the very beginning of our relationship, I've known there was something incredibly special about this man. The more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with his heart. He was honestly the kindest, most joyful, most quietly solid man that I'd ever met, and I couldn't believe that he wanted to spend time with me! Although I loved the way he treated me, I was even more enamored by the way he treated others and the way he loved Jesus. The gospel captured his heart at the age of 18, and his love for His Savior is and always has been breathtaking, encouraging, and contagious.
I tell Bryan often these days that I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. He's had to process the fact that his wife has cancer, and he spends himself down to the last breath each evening keeping everything going. It's hard. Life is just hard right now, there's no way to sugar coat that fact. But Bryan is not relying on his own strength and abilities. He knows that as he made those vows to me 11 years ago, he would not be loving me with only his heart. He would be loving me with a God-infused, grace-saturated, Savior-inspired kind of love that would carry us through these difficult times. I watch him continue to lead our family so well, and he constantly points me to the One who holds all of our tomorrows in His loving hands.
Being in a chemo fog today, I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to fully articulate my thoughts, and I'm disappointed in that! I don't have a thoughtful gift picked out (or even a card!). There's no out-of-town trip this year, no fancy dinner (although my amazing parents volunteered to keep our kids so that we can have a quiet evening at home in all my chemo glory :). But there is joy and so much reason to celebrate!! I get to walk through another day with my best friend, knowing that our joy isn't tied to these present circumstances. I'd rather have Cancun than cancer; but more than anything, I pray that this time next year our marriage is richer and stronger as a result of journeying this difficult road together.
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